The Emotional Toll of Searching, Part 2

It isn't hard to imagine why the media focuses on reunion stories like vultures swarming over a rotting carcass. However, it does create unrealistic expectations for the vast majority of Chinese adoptees about the probability of a successful search. It can lead to unnecessary heartbreak and set the stage for feelings of worthlessness. And while no one wants to admit it, it is very obvious, apparent, and expected: envy. Why did that adoptee get to find her birthparents? Why can't I? Why did she find her birthparents after just one trip? Or just one DNA test in one month? Why not me? Why can't I?

It's hard not to put everything in the context of "deserving" to find your birthfamily because it just feels like people pull that whole "fate, destiny, and fortune" regalia from the dusty top shelf.

Realistically, searching in China is very, very difficult. There's the obvious things: money, time, effort, language and culture barriers, transportation, etc. And then, you know, the things that most people don't want to know about, refuse to acknowledge, or simply don't know about: the trafficking, the coercion, the baby buying, the lies, the forgery, etc. etc. All this makes for a very interesting soup. Coupled with an emotional maelstrom that never really "settles," reaching maturity and figuring out life as an adult, no lack of scams and scammers, and a feeling of your impending mortality: that one day, you're going to die and every second counts because your birthparents might move away or pass on...

The Chinese adoptee community is very disjointed in their search efforts. In no small part because of the emotions. Having to unlearn and relearn the truth about Chinese adoption is very emotionally difficult on adoptive parents and adoptees. 

Some adoptees don't want to search or might feel like they just shouldn't search. Some adoptive parents are very emotionally immature and insecure, making a search an impossible subject to broach in the house, or throwing obstacles in the adoptees' path to prevent them from learning about their past. I've addressed that "either-or" thinking here, about how some people mistakenly believe you can only love just one family.

The information and misinformation also informs your emotional responses. Being told you were given up or abandoned is a whole lot different from being told that, say, a midwife told you birthmom you had died in childbirth while she turned around and sold you for one hundred dollars to a human trafficker. Or perhaps that family planning and police had confiscated you from your own home against your birthparent's will. These emotional responses have very real consequences on whether an adoptee will want to search or not. Not always for the better. While some birthparents gave money in red envelopes to "matchmakers" who could bring the babies to the orphanage, where the orphanage paid them per baby (cough, the Western media has sensationalized this and called it human trafficking when there is a difference between an agreement between a baby mover and the family and an actual trafficker tricking birthfamilies into giving up their baby; both happened), there are many, many other scenarios out there. (I've compiled a list here.) I am so desperate for the truth and at the same time, very and truly terrified to find out that maybe, I was willingly given up, though that possibility seems rather rare from what I've heard.

It hurts to check my DNA databases, 23andMe and GedMatch, and see no close relatives. It's so emotionally taxing to psyche myself up to look and then be disappointed again.

It is not uncommon for adoptive parents to monitor the DNA account instead of the adoptee, even for adult adoptees. I know it could take years, months, a day, forever, and even never to find my birthfamily. When I was younger, I was convinced that it was impossible, and I was worried that I would lose my family if my birthfamily wanted me back--a not uncommon thought, though it is legally impossible and therefore is an impossibility. Still...being adopted is not well understood, even by psychologists that claim to be experts. Even adoptee psychologists who were adopted themselves aren't the end-all-be-all. So, after you sort out all this personal crap, learn that your orphanage was buying some babies, that all orphanages seemed to be involved in some sort of incentivized baby-buying program, that your finding documents are all lies, that everything is a pile of shit, and my birthmom could be suffering, hoping for some sign that I'm alive, well, and not angry at all at her...I still need to plan a practical course of action.

1. Because my finding documents are fraudulent and police and orphanages actively prevent you from learning who your birthfamily is, making a big public statement via Chinese news isn't helpful. Many adoptees say going to the media is a double-edged sword and more often than not, push you into a tear-jerker reality show with fake birthparents, and might actively prevent birthfamily reunions by having full control on who they allow to meet with you. Plus, my finding documents are lies: my town could not even be my town!

2. Hiring a searcher seems to be absolutely useless. I see them as cogs in the same machine that brought us to this stage. It's all one big adoption economy that begins with the One Child Policy, that has traffickers who make money in-between, with orphanage directors lining their pockets with orphanage donations, and now, with those people jumping into the "searching" economy and the "heritage tour" industry: just the next phase in bullshit of screwing me over. So no. No searcher and no heritage tour.

3. Current plan. Wait for DNA results. Pray your heart out. And donate, donate, donate.

A trip to China is expensive. The plane tickets, the bus tickets, the hotel rooms, the tours, the translators, etc. etc. With zero language skills, and quite frankly zero trust in anyone, I know my ability to make headway into this thicket is minimal unless new information turns up in the future. For each baby, each young adult, each adult adoptee...there is a twisted, twining story of their origin. Orphanages would routinely forge finding information and birthdays, sometimes swapping baby information just to throw adoptive parents and birthparents off track. They were trying, even back then, to prevent their unethical (was the One Child Policy really ethical?) activities from coming to light. This means that you could hire a hypothetical, trustworthy detective to dig into what false and useless clues you have...following a trail for years and come up empty. Each child has a history that is unique to them. Thus, it seems the only logical way to conduct such a "search" is through the DNAConnect organization.

What DNA Connect does is goes to China, educates birthparents about why DNA testing is important, collects their DNA and adds it to the GEDmatch database. Adoptees who do testing with other DNA testing companies, like Ancestry or 23andMe can upload their DNA to GEDmatch too. (Read my guide/instructions for how to use GEDmatch here.)

It's like this: let's say birthparents are fish.

Each adoptee was given a treasure map and clues about their fish.

Let's say that one adoptee is told they are looking for a large blue fish with a red eye and orange fin.

So they travel to China ($$$), plastering posters with this information (the finding spot, which is likely false. The birthdays which were routinely changed to prevent you from reconnecting with your birthfamily) and come up empty. And you lament that you never did find that blue fish with red eye and orange fin.

Now, every single one of the 110,000+ Chinese adoptees adopted internationally between 1991-2018 was given these "fish clues." Adding up the cost of each search would lead to an astronomically high number with very few successes. Each family would have to fly over, make posters, start from scratch, etc. etc.

What's a better way to cut through all the bullshit? What's the only way to immediately get around the lies and forgery?

You get a BIG NET.

Donating to DNA Connect allows them to test as many birthfamilies as possible. Birthfamilies who WANT to find their babies and know they are alive and well. They don't want custody. They want to know you're ALIVE.

Then those birthfamilies tell other birthfamilies who tell other birthfamilies...DNA Connect goes to China and collects the DNA for processing. Birthfamilies pay nothing. For reference, a DNA kit in the USA is $100. If and ONLY if you find your birthparents will you have to pay a mandatory donation of $399. But if you want to DONATE before a match is made, then you only need to donate $100 for the full benefits of the match, the exact cost of paying it forward for another adoptee to make their dreams come true as well.

I spend that much on makeup in a year. People pay $25 for a dinner for one. People pay $10 for a daily coffee at Starbucks. A MacBook is like $1000. People pay $150 for a good pair of jeans. The cost of launching your own search, staying in a hotel, hiring a searcher or a translator, and doing your own multi-year investigative work, I assure you, is more than $100.

I am 100% confident that you can afford to pay it forward (or ask for money for the holidays!) Their prices are not exploitative, unlike some services which have a pay-for-service deal, where you have to pay money in order to keep in contact with your birthfamilies. With DNAConnect, you have full access to your birthparents to contact them, for instance, by using WeChat to simply text and videocall with relatives in China (there's a built-in translation feature).

Actually, this not-for-profit operates on an exceptionally low budget, all on donation dollars. Imagine pooling all that money spent on individual (futile) efforts into one large pot. Already, they tested about 500 birthparents and have found 69 matches. That's 69 dreams that came true. (And again, the emotional rollercoaster. What about me? What about me? When will my day come?)

Casting a big net is the ONLY way to get successes for adoptees whose information is seriously wrong...like mine. For instance, for the adoptees trafficked by the Duan Family, their finding documents are all false and indicate nearby towns as their towns of origin (they obviously won't say you originated from town A because then that would alert people that trafficking was going on). Thus, these adoptees would be spending years and tons of money searching in the wrong towns. Their birthfamilies, desperate for news, a province or even a few hours away...

Still, it's emotional. For a while, I didn't want my parents to donate to DNA Connect at all. I wondered what the point of dumping money into a seemingly endless black hole was. What if I never found my birthparents? I could donate forever and forever, and I'd still be sad and depressed...and broke.

But it's not just about me. It's about getting the truth for everyone. It's about letting other adoptees find their birthparents and it's about learning the stories of us collectively: What really happened? Why was the adoptee given up or trafficked or seized? DNA Connect collects and publishes these stories as well and they've given me a lot of closure. It's made me realize how complex the situation was and that even if a baby was seemingly given up, how much regret these birthparents still have, how much pain they're still in, and how happy they are that we're alive and safe and well...Don't I owe my birthmother my best effort?

So, when I got a nice sum of money for my academic efforts, I donated it all to DNA Connect. Within that month, the organization made TWO new matches. I can't take credit for that, but I know that money means something. Let me put my money where my mouth is and make a difference.

I cry so much now, wishing, and hoping, and dreaming, and praying for a miracle. A miracle that has happened for 69 kids and counting. I keep thinking that one day, it'll just happen and I'm terrified and excited and unbelievably just...depressed as hell because I just can't help but feel like maybe, God hates me. I'm worthless and useless and even though I intellectually know better know, I can't help but feel like my birthmother "chose" to give me up. And that really messes with your head, because guess what: the world doesn't operate under your personal beliefs. Time marches forward. People die. You have to make rational decisions. Fear shouldn't hold you back from donating to a cause you believe in.





Disclaimer: I'm in no way affiliated with DNA Connect. Literally, I'm not making money, I'm actually "losing" money. But I encourage you to donate also. I cannot begin to express how much I want to find my birthmother and tell her I love her and miss her. I am not alone.

Visit the DNA Connect.Org website and please donate. Or set your Amazon Smile Charity to DNA Connect so that 0.5% of your purchases on Amazon Smile go to DNA Connect. View the list of located birthparents on their website. See the real-time number of birthparent DNA kits and number of successful matches on their website also.

Read my compilation of all the stories I've heard about what really happened to Chinese adoptees here.