Living with Anxious (Insecure) Attachment

Anxious attachment is marked by difficulties trusting people, being especially "clingy" to your loved ones, and never feeling "good enough."

I literally need an avalanche of hugs and "I love you"s from my parents everyday, and when I'm away at college, I call them at least once a day. I'm worried about them (what if they've died in the hours I've been at class?) and I'm worried that they no longer care about me (what if this is the day they decide not to love me anymore?)

Despite the fact that my birthmom didn't have a choice in whether to raise me or not (Thank you, Mao Zedong), and despite the fact my parents absolutely love me to the moon and back, and despite the fact I'm legally an adult now, I'm still very worried about being left all alone again. Because of the difficulty in obtaining accurate information from China about Chinese adoptions, I've spent the first twenty-odd years of my life wrapping my self-worth around a bunch of lies. I was told my birthmom made the decision not to take care of me and made the decision to "abandon me." That's the seed I grew up around, and even though I know better now, it doesn't help me emotionally. It makes me feel better, but at the same time, I still struggle with the need to justify myself, my existence, and my life. Am I doing enough? Am I good enough? Am I simply enough?

I worked extremely hard to be seen as enough. I was especially sensitive to societal expectations to be lucky and grateful. I felt that my academics was a way to grade my "worth" because it gave me some modicum of control over what grade I earned. I was terrified of being not enough and worked very hard. My hard work paid off and I became valedictorian and made it to the Ivy League. Yet, it is ironic how my efforts are diminished by people who believe I'm just an "Asian stereotype" who has a "Tiger Mom," when in reality, I'm just an orphan trying to earn the title of adoptee. I wasn't even raised by a stereotypical Asian mom.

My impetus for writing this blog was in creating some type of intellectual framework for sorting out what it means to "deserve" life, love, and happiness. What it means for adoptees to have a right to a happy life and loving home without having to grovel "I'm so happy, thankful, grateful, lucky, blessed, etc."

That's why this is called the Noble Soul, because the noble soul has reverence, respect, and love for itself. It does not question its worth or value. It simply is, by virtue of its existence.

You can read about anxious attachment and other attachment styles on Healthline.

Thoughts of a Chinese Adoptee by Megan Weitzner has a post about her own anxious attachment style.