Feeling Unwanted and Unloved

It would be more accurate to say unwantable and unlovable, as these are adjectives describing the state of me as an individual (intrinsic), rather than unwanted or unloved, which requires an outsider's opinion.

There are two aspects of this:

1) The personal "distortion" of feeling unwanted and unloved because adoptees, like children of divorced couples, usually blame themselves, even if no one externally has said anything. As in, "my birthmom gave me away so she must not have loved me and must have hated me because I must have been a horrible baby."

2) The media's irresponsibility in regard to adoptee stories by using words like "unwanted" and "abandoned" to imply the adoptee was not valuable to the birth parents and thus not valuable at all, usually until an adoptive family comes along, in which case, the adoptee "regains" their value, but not fully as they must recognize how blessed and lucky they are until they die because this newfound "value" isn't really theirs to own. As in, "from unwanted baby girl, found abandoned on the steps on the police station, to cherished American daughter."

{I should also make it clear that my feelings growing up are based on being told the fairy tale, being vaguely aware of the grim reality, and totally ignorant of the knowledge I know now concerning what might have really happened in China. Thus, my feelings are based on being told I had a finding spot, a truth which at this moment March 2019, I can't even bring myself to believe for the simple fact that I don't really believe anything anymore until I know my own personal story. Click the links to read more about truth and lies in Chinese adoption.}

It doesn't mean my parents were horrible. I honestly think if we could have a redo, I would want them to do everything the same way again. They did the best they could with the limited knowledge they had. 

It means that no matter what adoptive parents try to do to "fix" it, it is inevitable and unavoidable for the adoptee to escape pain. Pain comes with the territory of adoption, as does happiness and other emotions. But feeling unwantable and unlovable? This is the bread and butter of adoption.

As a little kid, even being told about the One Child Policy and how my birthmom must have loved me, I still felt that I had done something or been something that was inadequate. It's called the bad baby syndrome and it's pretty universal, but I didn't know this as a little 3-year-old. It's the cliche of "If my own mom didn't even love me, then what even am I? Why am I even here?" Sometimes it comes with thoughts of suicide. Because, how worthless and useless is your existence that you weren't loved enough to be kept?

No, my parents never said anything bad about me or my birthmom. My dad was convinced that a three-year-old nodding their head at the explanation of the communist government meant something, that I could fully grasp what reality meant for me. Not all adoptees are in tune with their feelings. Some deny them. Some are unaware of them. Some, I am sure claim, may not have them...but time changes things. Someone who may not feel one way today may change their mind in twenty years. I was fully convinced I was at peace (what was there to make peace with anyway?) with my adoption story and felt good about being an adoptee, one of several where I grew up. It was so common and normal. In a way, this allowed these very young feelings to grow inside of me, like a petrified tree, unexamined and festering, until twenty years later, where a harsh word from my mom could have me spiraling into this mess. I would lock myself in the closet and just cry there, or contemplate how many cuts it would take on my wrist for someone to understand the amount of pain I was going through and believe me and my pain. So often, adoptee pain gets swept under the rug and denied. You were just a baby, what could you know? Or, you're older now! Why are you going on about it now when you haven't even said a word for ten years? Huh? And even though my mom was absolutely on board with learning more and more about adoptee trauma, it didn't mean we didn't bash heads, and it didn't mean I didn't feel entirely heard by her or that I felt the only way to communicate my pain would be to show my blood.

As for the media? I believe the media is irresponsible. Multibillion dollar companies are pumping out stories by the dozen of "unwanted" and "unloved" and "abandoned" babies in  China, when they know perfectly well that parents had no choice and that there was a One Child Policy. It sounds nice to blame it on the patriarchy, but the real situation is much more complicated than that. I find their words misleading on purpose to dramatize the entire event, but I find this to be grotesque. It's fine to cast adults in the Cinderella Story role or the Rags to Riches drama, but it is unfair to do that to thousands of infants. They don't have a choice in how the world views them, and articles that diminish their value to sell more ads are also affecting how adoptees view themselves. For a multibillion dollar business to not take the risk to showcase a more accurate point of view of the adoptee reality or the details of Chinese adoption is extremely insulting. You have money to throw around. You have one headline that doesn't fit the good, old, safe tropes? Big deal! 

Media companies think their stories will sell better with higher stakes and larger drama. They often glorify adoptive parents, the intended audience of the publication, while demonizing the birthparents in a ill-suited attempt to quell the inner fears of the adoptive parents that they aren't good enough and their family isn't legit. Oh, we'll show you just how much of a parent you are, says the news media, those big bad birth parents? Who needs them! You're wonderful, adoptive parent! You're doing the right thing! Nothing could possibly go wrong now that you're carefully and sweetly stitched together your own family (from the ashes of the old one)!

I'm not saying adoption is bad. I am saying that the news could probably spare a few hundred in ad revenue to give adoptees, such a young and vulnerable population, a fighting shot. They will one day read all of these stories too. They don't deserve to have their birthparents demonized. Their birthparents should be regarded with respect. It was not their fault the communist government of China decreed the One Child Policy or that people in China were too poor to feed the entire family. But people in the world are so ethnocentric. We hear "abandoned in a box" and automatically think of someone who didn't want the child, who hid the child in secret, like cargo, left behind a dumpster. In China, though, the birthparents placed the baby in specific locations where people would find the child and bring them to the orphanage. It has a different meaning to it. And the world deserves to have the full story, not a carefully curated basket of lies that adoptees need to swim their way out of. 

With my personal feelings in addition to the irresponsible media, it is very easy to see how adoptees can feel unlovable and unwantable, even with fantastic adoptive parents who love them to the moon and back and want them more than words could ever say. Even with understanding how every human being has the right to be loved, I still need constant reassurance that I'm still loved, that nothing has changed between dawn and dusk. Because something could change. Sure, you love me at 9am, but what about 10pm? Everything is "not going to change" until it does. So I really just wanted to say that these feelings are 100% normal and common in the adoptee community. You don't need to have fancy statistics about it, though if you're interested people have made books (i.e. The Primal Wound). These feelings are real and they may always be here. Obviously I'm trying to heal, but it's not the same as trying to "fix" myself. There's nothing to "fix" and I'm not "broken." Life happened to me a bit too early, but I'm happy I know myself extremely well now. It only took twenty years.