Victimhood Culture and Adoptees

The thing about victimhood is that it has a certain allure. Today, it carries with it a certain status of moral superiority and righteous justice. Victimhood means "I've been irrevocably wronged and I deserve some recompense."

Labeling yourself proudly as a victim, as seems to be quite popular these days, is extremely toxic. If I were ever to be charged with launching a diabolical campaign to cripple an entire generation, I would be doing exactly what is already being done: convincing people that their social worth and inner strength comes from their ability to qualify as a victim.

For adoptees, this culture of glorified victimhood is absolutely devastating. It breaks you and leaves you broken and convinces you that you like it.

For adoptees, many of whom have not been able or given the opportunity to fully conceptualize or explore the incredibly complex thoughts and ideas surrounding adoption or what it means for them, victimhood offers her comforting arms and gives them permission to feel and rage. This freedom gets convoluted with love. Adoptees want their parents to listen to them when they say adoptions brings up many horrible emotions. They no longer want to be pushed aside and told to smile with that same damned "I'm grateful and lucky I'm not dead already" script. Or the "God has a plan" script or the "Golly gosh, sadness? Who could feel sad about adoption?"

Victimhood becomes the powerful, aggressive, and cunning protector of all toxic feelings. With Victimhood, you have the power to do anything. Heard about child trafficking in Hunan? Were you even from Hunan? Does it matter? Well, now you're spewing nonsense about your parents buying you when you know perfectly well that's not how the money flowed...but hey, you now have the unwavering admiration of your idiotic classmates, so that's pretty sweet. And you get to release all your pent up anger from unresolved emotions at your parents. Also pretty great!

But Victimhood is not your friend. When you leave the environment which uses Victimhood as a means to quantify worth, you will be left with nothing. As soon as you step off campus, you will be empty. Victimhood is a trap. The pain of the initial separation from the birthmom is a deep and horribly debilitating pain that many times is unacknowledged and disregarded. The trauma of institutionalized care in an orphanage, even a clean one with many happy workers, is still a trauma. How can you look upon a baby and think any ill will towards them? How can you look at a baby who is crying and think, you know what, I'll just let that thing stew for a while? In an orphanage with more babies than workers, with changing shifts, with mouths to feed and diapers to change...it is not what you would call an ideal situation. Needs aren't being met. Separation from the foster family? From friends at the orphanage? I could go on and on...these things are REAL. But they need to be allowed to be said and they need to be heard. Not listened to, but really and truly heard. If not, Victimhood always has a ready ear.

The second you try to heal yourself is the second you give up your victimhood status. The second you try to clean up all that toxicity inside of yourself is the moment you decide to not be broken anymore. You can't have both. Pain never goes away. I get that. But do you really see yourself as an 85 year old person, still trying to persuade others of your victimhood status? Because I sure don't.