Take Destiny Out of the Equation and Listen

People often forget how old the concept of adoption is, as if this is a new phenomenon somehow. (Moses, anyone?) Whether adoption is "natural" or unnatural" is something not often talked about in the open, but something which exists mostly as a collection of reactionary responses. Take for instance the insistence of the adoptive parent that "Our family was meant to happen." This is a sentence that directly responds to the sentiment, in some views, we do not belong together. This view is unspoken, but exists within the response. Every time you insist on one, it is a reminder of the other. Does that make sense?

I have seen other variations of this around:

1. You were destined to be our child.

2. Our family was meant to be.
3. Biology or genes doesn't make a family.

4. God created you to be an orphan for us to have.

5. God had a plan for you.

The problem with such generalities is that it completely ignores or minimizes the realities of the adoptee experience.

 What do you mean I was destined to be your child? What about my birth parents?

What do you mean God's plan was the mass sterilization and forced abortions of Chinese women to enforce a rule which tore thousands of families apart against their will?

What do you mean part of God's plan was for me to be abandoned shortly after birth or trafficked or seized?

What do you mean my current family had to come at the cost of another alternative life and existence and this is somehow wonderful?

By trying to legitimize the current nuclear family, people are subverting the pain and truth of what had to happen for this to be a reality. If the adoptee expresses a sense of loss for the reality that could have been, they are told it was never meant to be. It's not a problem anymore! Easy, peasy. I love my family AND my family listens to me and hears me when I speak. So many people I know do not have this experience and it breaks my heart when I hear their attempts to speak suppressed by the all powerful "Destiny," and "Meant to be," and "God." I like to think that God had a plan, maybe, because it's hard to imagine not being here or contemplating the alternative life that could have been. It is also hard to reconcile "God had a plan for me" with "God had a plan for my birthmom that included living under a communist government with fines, threats, poverty, and forced operations for women in general." Well, as long as God had a plan for me, two middle fingers for the birthparents, I guess.

My point is this

Listen to your child. Adoptees have voices too. It may be difficult to hear because guilt, shame, joy, and love are wrapped within the experience of this life. To feel such joy at the expense of such pain? To feel so ashamed because there was nothing you could do about it. To feel shame because what is life? Who are you? We are all different. No group is a monolith. That's the truth. Just be aware how hollow these "destiny" explanations can sound to some adoptees, and fully understand all of the underlying messages entrapped within these words. Know what it is you are truly saying before deciding whether you really think this is the best way to say what you mean.