Opinion: Adoptees Searching vs. Adoptive Parents Searching for Birthparents

This morning, like most mornings, I checked my phone. On auto-pilot, I went to the Facebook app and within ten minutes became wide awake and filled with "passionate intensity," as Yeats would say.

I am a part of a Facebook group called "China - Birthparent search." In my opinion, one of the best search groups for birthparents out there as they allow many different perspectives to coexist the best they can online. Many groups I shall not name have outright banned people who did not agree with the moderators in charge of the group. This one, while imperfect, was created to address this issue, while protecting the privacy of the members. They do this by making it a rule to exclude those who are purely hoping to sell you something, such as searchers.

Why I read, but do not comment or react to posts

There was a certain post I read this morning, that was more or less an advertisement from a Chinese Searcher, posted by a hopeful adoptee. This adoptee had good intentions and wanted to share what she thought was a good idea. Very quickly, the post garnered comments from adoptive parents who were more experienced in the field of birthparent searching. People who had tried different methods and had been burned before by false promises and misinformation. Some were even successful in finding the birthparents of their child, but the circumstances of the relinquishment were not what they had been led to believe.

After the inundation of comments below the adoptee's post, to which the adoptee did reply, there was a sentence that really stuck with me. Paraphrased, this was "I only see adoptive parents answering. Where are the adoptees?"

I am a highly opinionated and intensely private person. I want to share my opinions about the dynamic I've witnessed again and again online between adoptees and adoptive parents, but I feel the need to defend myself. To, in essence, explain myself in my own space, on my own terms.

I am silent because people are imperfect. I am silent because I want to be allowed in adoptee spaces, but many of the adoptee-only Facebook groups are echo chambers and controlled by adoptees who strongly, strongly disagree with me about fundamental truths. My silence allows me to navigate adoptee spaces in relative anonymity, rather than being kicked out by adoptee moderators who may be closed minded to opposing views.

I am silent because I don't know if my birthparents may be found by someone who holds opposing views as me. Though I firmly believe that autosomal DNA being centrally stored in GEDmatch is the statistically proven most effective way to achieve a random match, I cannot rule out that an organization, agency, or searcher may stumble upon my birthparents and withhold said information out of spite and pettiness. People are cruel. I am silent to protect myself.

I am also silent because I care about my mental health. Being angry 24/7 isn't good for you. I also have things to do. I am a full-time student and I don't have time to get embroiled in online brawls. I applaud those who take the time to share their knowledge on these groups, but there is no reason for me to volunteer myself as a target for online hatred.

What I wish adoptive parents understood about searching

I have immense respect for many of the people in the Birthparent search group. They bring wisdom gained by experience in the field. What I wish they understood about the adoptee experience (my experience) is that adoptees are like addicts.

I crave my birthparents. I am sad and angry and hurt. I need my birthparents. I am desperate.

What adoptive parents don't understand is what it feels like to be that desperate. It's not a pitying sort of desperate, nor something to mock. It's the kind of desperate that rattles your bones at night and makes you think you'll agree to "anything," just for a chance.

I often watch survival shows on television. A common mistake is when a survivor will look at a body of lukewarm, stagnant water, full of bacteria and the rotting carcass of some animal, and drink the water anyway. Soon, they are having major cramps, blacking out, and quitting the challenge from severe dehydration. They knew they shouldn't have drank that water, but they were more than thirsty. They were desperate.

Sometimes I feel that adoptive parents confuse desperate with stupid.

Adoptees aren't in a position to make decisions about whether or not a method is "more effective." Beggars can't be choosers and it can often feel tone-deaf and mean to tell adoptees to reel back their hunger when they haven't eaten in years.  Maybe this "less effective" method of hiring a searcher who refuses to use a reliable database in lieu of building up the Chinese government's database may be proverbially "shooting ourselves in the foot," but  how can the world possibly expect a reasonable person to care when they are hurting so much?

Sure, adoptive parents are "desperate" and "hopeful" too. Now multiply that by a billion and that's a fraction of what I feel.

To an adoptee, telling them to search using Method A but not Method B is like saying there's two slices of bread left, but if you only eat one and give another one to a friend, then they'll give each of you an extra half slice of bread. Maybe, in the end, the whole community will benefit from having a total of 2.5 slices of bread, but what matters is that in one case, you get 2 whole slices, and in another, you only get 1.5. We all want to be altruistic, but the risks are often vague and anecdotal. To an addict, being told to limit themselves when they would rather throw caution to the wind and try every possible method known to earth is crazy. 

We aren't stupid. 

We're just desperate.

Maybe, just maybe, this shot in the dark will be the winning hit...but maybe not. And maybe nothing matters but the illusion of progress, even when nothing is getting done.

What I thought, but dared not say to the adoptee

Trauma is real and your feelings are valid. But there is not a war between adoptees and adoptive parents. On Facebook, there is an illusion that certain searching methods are "adoptee-approved" and others favored by adoptive parents. Well, there was no vote and I certainly was never asked my opinion. This war is simply an illusion. There are plenty of adoptees and adoptive parents who support a multitude of searching methods and a combination thereof.

What I particularly wanted to respond to from the post I saw, was the idea that "all opinions are valid and appreciated, but don't disagree with me because I have valid feelings and you're hurting my feelings."

Girl, please. Take a seat.

While your reality is dictated by your personal feelings, REALITY ITSELF IS NOT. One may feel that 2 + 2 = 100, but I can assure you that you will be given a zero on the exam. You may feel that a lie is true, but reality does not adjust itself, warp itself, nor contort itself to align to your personal tastes. By all means, continue to have your opinions. But do not tell others not to have theirs by playing the victim card. You're an adoptee. Guess what? So am I.

My opinion is that we need to respect facts and respect data. What we know from over a decade of searching is that there is a clear, effective way for maximizing the community's success, and that is by uploading autosomal DNA to GEDmatch. This can be done with a hired searcher, but >99% searchers refuse to test with autosomal DNA tests because it would kill their business model if people found success and no longer needed to hire them. Their entire business is only allowed by the government because they don't make waves and they uphold the mainland government's mission to expand their country's DNA database. Guess what would make waves? Uncovering yet another trafficking case where the birthparents are far, far, far away from where they are supposed to be. So they do not look and so they do not find. You pay them thousands of dollars and rehire them in two years. Why on earth would they want to change?

I find in-China searchers to be predatory, making money off of desperation, knowing we are paying to be lied to. In-China searchers take advantage of our unfamiliarity with the language, culture, and country, spread lies about the legality of DNA collection in China, and offer under-the-table discounts to adoptive parents who convince other people that they are the only ones you can trust. In the meantime, they collect multiple-thousands of dollars from desperate people, who often become repeat customers. If they are too successful, they make no money. If they start adding to a DNA database like GEDmatch, resulting in five matches, then those five will never be their clients either.

On Facebook, I must toe the line, say I believe in "good intentions" and "fate." But what I most want to do is scream until my lungs no longer hold breath. How can I possibly fund a system designed to fuck us, the adoptees, over and over and over and over. I'm sorry this adoptee had only "good intentions" but "good intentions" aren't good enough for me. 

You may feel that informative discourse was an "attack" on you as an adoptee because you and you alone represent that "adoptee experience," and are therefore more "valid" in your expert opinion. But I am also valid. I am also someone who cares and is desperate for results, and I disdain your immature attitude and failure to synthesize new information when it conflicts with your sense of self as a "good helper."