How I made the decision to search for birthparents

 When I first expressed the desire to search for birthparents, my parents were very supportive.

And I was...conflicted. Because on one hand, I wanted them to be supportive. But on the other, I wanted them to fight for me and in a cinematic montage, hug me close and never let me go.

Choosing to search for birthparents, for the truth, was not a decision I made overnight. There was many barriers which I had to overcome in order to make this decision. 

For one, like all Chinese adoptees, I was raised on the belief that I was abandoned by my birthparents--you see, because this is what we were all told, what the Chinese government had said the official story was, what was written on our abandonment documents provided by the orphanage. It mattered little emotionally that I knew they had no choice--because it felt like they really, truly did. We were always told about the "preference for boys" and even in the title, the One Child Policy implied one child was kept. Just one. And it wasn't me. 

What a surprise it was to learn that abandonment documents were largely made up and that I was likely relinquished from person to person in a bid to either keep me close, raised nearby, or bring me safely to the orphanage (vs. the dumped by the side of the road narrative.) Imagine the relief I had to learn that family planning was confiscated babies left and right, that midwives and hospitals would put pressure on new mothers to give up their babies or be turned in, that in fact, there was no choice at all.

The next barrier was the fear of being re-abandoned. I didn't want to lose my current family, and logically this just isn't possible. I'm a legal adult, but even so, there was absolutely no way I'd be kicked out. It wasn't even an option. It was fear. I had to be reassured again and again that this wasn't going to affect my relationship with my parents in any way. There were a lot of hugs, a lot of discussions, but in the end, I felt safe enough that I wanted to move forward.

The next barrier was logistics. I had this desire for truth, but no money, no language skills, and no clue on what to do--where to go, who to talk to, what to look for. That's where DNAConnect.Org came in. By doing the 23andMe DNA test and uploading my results to GEDmatch, I was already that much closer to matching with potential birthparents...fast forward a couple of years, and the wide-net searches of 2021 were underway, providing a process and platform for how to conduct a group birthparent search in China.

These barriers, whether emotional or physical, were real. For many years, I watched on the side-lines as friends and online acquaintances tried and failed to search for birthparents. The Stuys (who run DNAConnect.Org) were a well respected family in the Chinese adoption community for years, but still, I had my reservations. The truth could be terrifying. What if after everything, my birthparents didn't love me? And if I did donate, would I just keep donating into this black hole without any results?

Things changed for me as I started to learn more about the truth of Chinese adoption. It was likely I had never been abandoned at all, and as more DNA matches were made with DNAConnect.Org, stories of reunion were shared, showing that birthparents very much did love their babies-now-adults and missed them very much throughout the years. Then I avidly watched as the number of DNA matches rose from 60 to nearly 100 from DNAConnect.Org. These results assured me that even if I never found my birthparents, that donating to this cause would guarantee that others would be able to.

Going into this birthparent search thicket is like going into a maelstrom of emotion. All of these doubts and emotions that I had were shared by many others, coming out in various ways. Fear of the truth might manifest itself in a birthparent spreading fake news about DNA in an attempt to undercut the successful matches. Fear of abandonment from their adoptive parents might make adoptees lie about their desire to find their birthparents. And of course, online everyone believes they are an expert.

My journey from believing that a birthparent match would never happen for anyone, to now participating in a wide-net search has been roughly twenty years in the making. It is perfectly normal and expected that some adoptees don't want to search now or ever. Still, I believe false beliefs and fear, rather than facts and unconditional love, are at the steering wheel for many people, and until decisions are made with facts and honest intentions, I don't know if people should be so quick to say "No, I don't want to search for birthparents."