My Experience with Journaling

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” -Maya Angelou.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I had a diary, ahem, journal. I wrote about my day in snapshots of annoyances and notable joys, and as I got older, my sentences became increasingly littered with fuck and damn. Mostly fuck.

There's not one right way to journal, and honestly, my own entries lack regularity and form. There's a lot of complaining, stream of consciousness, and arguments with absent people. There are also conversations I remember from that day where I want to record someone's cruelty or idiocy, and honestly, very rarely do I ever dwell on anything good. Gratitude journals, so they say, can help you with your mental health--or whatever. I started one for all of five days because there was something so forced and inauthentic about it, and then being an adoptee, gratitude just rubbed me the wrong way. Should I be forced to dwell on my good fortune of being adopted and not in a Chinese gutter every fucking day? Long story short, I have never attempted to journal with 100% positivity ever again. We have more than enough of those highlight reels on social media, thank you very much.

Journaling has been a way for me to get my thoughts down on paper, because otherwise I'd just talk someone's ear off for hours on end. Some people talk about being able to "look back" (fondly, perhaps) on their past selves and see "growth" and "maturity." Honestly, it has never been about recording my days to the letter or making a time-capsule for myself. My entries from elementary school are written like Jane Austen who forgot how to spell. I find a gem once in a while about how I viewed myself as a burden, in the words of those 1800's novels I loved to read, and then I saw the myriad excuses I made for all the people who hurt me over the years. I'm as cynical as I was at age eleven and much less forgiving. I call that "growth," though, nothing as aesthetic as those self-help blogs say.

It's useful for therapy to have written something before going into the session. You can read from the page or bookmark those entries you need to talk about. Fights with your mom or friendship troubles, or just times when you spiral and had a panic attack (again) and then debated the value of your life. I would say that journaling "works" to focus your thoughts. I've had entire conversations over and over with myself and only found relief by writing it down, because then I wouldn't have to keep holding onto that thought with the fear I would forget it.

How to Journal 101:

1) Get a journal that you like. Not so pretty you'll be scared to "ruin" it with imperfect handwriting, though. Make sure the paper is nice. I've had a journal once that let the pen ink bleed through every time to the next page and it drove me nuts.

2) Privacy. Make sure no one can access it. Don't bring it to your dorm room because your roommate will NOT be able to resist trying to read it, and if something happens between you, may even share the details online. If you're home, can you trust your family members not to read it? My parents have never read my journals (and good luck reading my atrocious handwriting), mostly because I think they're tired of hearing me blab about my thoughts all day and don't need to read more. Haha. But seriously though, my mom made sure to promise me at the start that she would never ever invade my privacy. If you have no privacy, then it isn't worth the risk. If you really wanted, you could buy a small safe.

3) No rules. You can edit as you go or never edit at all. You can have a frenzied stream of consciousness session or stare at a wall for twenty minutes before writing your first word. You can have themed entries or chronological entries, thoughts, feelings, or tears. 

4) No guilt. You may write every day and then not pick it up for years. Don't feel guilty. You're not on a schedule. Write when the words want to come. I have so many journals and honestly, the best years of my life aren't even recorded in them because I had so little to complain about. I have days where I'll write multiple times and then miss an entire year. Sometimes I don't know when the last time I wrote was and then look back on the date and say, huh, don't remember writing anything on Tuesday. Isn't that funny?

5) This isn't for show. Journaling is an intensely private activity for me. I simply cannot write freely if I think I'll be showing anything to a third party. I know I won't be honest with myself and I know I'll be questioning everything and how it comes across. If you're like me, write with the intention that this will never be published or see the light of day.