Belonging and Not Belonging in the Chinese Adoption Community

I have always identified as being a Chinese American woman. I grew up in a diverse area where I was surrounded by people from all over the world, a hotbed of immigrants and a strong Asian community that had roots many generations deep up to fresh-off-the-boat.

For that reason, I've always felt more Chinese American. I don't feel like I missed out on a lot of things because in my own way, I was able to experience them: Chinese New Year, making traditional food like dumplings, going to dim sum, performing traditional Chinese dances, etc. And while I wasn't a huge fan of Chinese school and quit like many of my non-adopted friends, I still had the opportunity to go for a couple of my younger years.

When I talk to other Chinese adoptees, it is interesting to hear how they most closely identify. Some feel like they are more "white" and some more "Asian." And then within the Asian category, some feel more "Chinese American" (or you can replace American with wherever you are) or "Chinese International" or "Chinese adoptee."

I've been to my fair share of adoptee centric events: FCC events, CCI meet-ups, Holt camp, orphanage reunions, and China sister get-togethers...not to mention, I grew up in an area with tons of other Chinese adoptees so it was pretty much my norm. 

Yet, despite what the world may believe, I don't really see that Chinese adoptees have very much in common at all. I want to feel like I belong, the way everyone promises you will, but I just don't.

When I go to a Chinese adoptee event, I often feel left out. 

You've got the kind of adoptees who still believe their birthparents "abandoned" them because they were female, then you got the adoptees screaming that they're "grateful and lucky," the adoptees who hate "white supremacy" and thus don't believe white people should be adopting people of color, the adoptees who say we're all "human trafficking victims" and "victims of cultural genocide," the adoptees who want to be white, the adoptees who are chasing a false ideal of Asianess...it is a hot mess of heated opinions where everyone is in their own private echo chamber and no one can listen. Adoptees insisting they don't want to look for their birthfamily, adoptees insisting that everyone who believes they don't want to look for their birthfamily is lying or in the fog, the adoptees who hate their adoptive parents and the adoptees who cling to them.

All in all, it is not a cohesive group and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and landing on landmines every time I try to speak. 

There is a lot of pressure to pretend that we are all alike and an additional pressure to tell adoptive parents we all get along--but honestly, I don't feel any sacred connection and I think people should respect that just because we're all Chinese doesn't mean we're all the same. I know there's a kind of tribalism right now where we're all supposed to root for one another and be on the same side because our skin color matches and we have a similar background, but every adoptee is different and unique.

I can say that I do not hold the same opinions as others and I don't like being forced to agree. I don't like pile-on culture and I don't like when people ostracize others. I also don't like blind collectivism and I think we should be allowed to disagree. My experience growing up has been great. I was never made fun of for my ethnicity, culture, or adoption. I understand some people have though and that really, truly sucks, but every time I get involved in some adoptee group, I feel stuck in some vortex where all we can ever talk about is #race and #representation and #racism. Yes, we get it: we're Chinese transracial adoptees, and I've had this conversation more times than you will know. I'm tired! There's got to be more to life than just rooting for people who look like us. There's got to be more to being a Chinese adoptee than complaining about racism. 

I don't want my membership card to the adoption community to be inexplicably tied to my status as a perpetual victim.

My one adoptee friend gets along better with international students, she insists. Half my orphanage group will date only white guys and like to get tan in the summer, the other half only date Asian guys and subscribe to the Asian beauty standard of pale, pale, pale.

I've had international friends and adoptee friends and Chinese American friends--and not because of what "category" of person they were. Yet, I do most closely identify with being Chinese American because that's how I feel I grew up.

I do not uphold the transracial adoption community's ideal of racial limbo, where time and time again I'm expected to say I'm perpetually vacillating between white and Asian, stuck forever in some haunted in-between void. I'm very confidently Chinese American. I'm as Chinese American as any of my Chinese American friends and I'm proud of them and of who I am. Sure, you can disagree with me, say that adoptees need to stick together no matter what because we're all the same in the end and need each other, but I've never felt more alone than being in a group of adoptees.