Etiquette Tips When Talking About Adoption
My mom laments that manners have been thrown out the door and all the "rules" for how to interact with people are changing. Some things which seemed quaint are actually tone deaf and insulting, and it is very difficult for people to realize what they're doing "wrong" because they may have lived a life that did not require them to think very deeply about these scenarios.
For instance, when I attended my non-diverse undergraduate college, some under-the-rock white kids literally said that black kids simply would not "feel comfortable" in the college and should go back "among their own kind." And they didn't say this from the top of a confederate tower. They said it with all the contriteness of a liberal white person, shouldering white guilt, without balls and without a spine. Their words, however, were anything but anti-racist. They just didn't know what to say because they never interacted with non-white people before.
Therein lies the problem: ignorance has a mouth. Even if you're under-qualified to be talking about something, you can still talk about it. Even if you're a "part" of the interest group yourself, you can still be ignorant and still say harmful things. So, I decided to do what my mom suggested and put together the Adoption-centric Etiquette Guide.
It focuses on a few things:
1. Do not objectify adoptees. We are humans too.
2. Respect the birthfamily and the birthcountry as an extension of the adoptee's identity.
3. Have respect for our circumstances but do not assume to know our individual stories. (Or assume we'd want to talk about them.)
4. We are not here to serve you. Our stories are private. Don't be nosy.
Part 1: Do not objectify adoptees!
"Lucky!" "Lucky Girl." "You must be so grateful!"Calling adoptees "lucky" implies that they do not deserve to have basic human rights like love, a family, a home, food, or life. Only adoptees are ever told they are lucky or should be grateful for every breath they draw; biological kids are never told they are lucky each and every year by random strangers. Apparently, some people believe adoptees are less than human as we are not afforded the same basic rights as non-adoptees.
"Twinkie" "Banana" "Whitewashed" or any other "yellow on the outside, white on the inside" remark.
What you think is a clever remark about internal and external identity is actually pretty racist. Who determines who counts as Asian and why are adoptees constantly judged by outsiders whether or not they fit in with their preconceived stereotypes about race? Most adoptees I know only used these titles to make their white friends and family laugh, only realizing as they got older that these silly little names are racial slurs.
"Made in China"
"Chinese Takeout"
You think you're pointing out something no one can see but you, but believe me, we've heard it all before. You're not clever. And we're not objects or food, to boot. Calling us anything to do with Asian animals (pandas), food (dumplings), or objects (China dolls) is objectifying us: We ARE people. Your attempts at being "clever" or "cute" are reprehensible. You cannot own a human being.
"Purchase" or anything to do with "buying" someone.
"A long time ago...my parents made the best INTERNATIONAL purchase ever! ME!!!!!!!!" - Sam Futerman (2012), a South Korean Adoptee known for her role in Twinsters and American actress.
No, Sam, shut up. You're not hilarious. Believe it or not, having an adoptee influencer condone relegating adoption to the world of human trafficking isn't cute. Especially for those of us whom human trafficking has directly affected. Shut the fuck up, Sam. Grow up, mature, listen. Adoptees are not purchases. We are not objects to be owned. It is the complete opposite of cute and funny. I wish people had a modicum of common decency and common sense to realize a cheap laugh isn't worth diminishing the value of so many other people's lives.
Part 2: Respect the birthfamily and the birthcountry.
"Real" vs. "Non-real" ParentsThe proper terms are birthparents and adoptive parents when talking about adoption. Adoptees just say "parents" though, and not "adoptive parents."
Other terms for birthparents are "biological" or "bio" parents.
Saying that one set of parents is real and the other isn't puts one above the other and pits them against each other: adoptees are able to love more than one family at once because it's all one big family. Disrespecting our birthparents or our adoptive parents is a big NO.
"You left a terrible country."
"So glad we adopted you and you didn't grow up there."
"Your birthmom left you. But we saved/loved/got/adopted you."
"You're better off here than back there."
Our birthcountry is meaningful to us. Putting it down implies that you believe our current situation, of which we had no choice, is automatically better for us. This is absolutely false. Get off your privileged high-horse and just think for one teensy-tiny second how such tonedeaf statements sound to us. Our birthcountry is not to be disrespected. If it's such a god awful, terrible place, full of terrible people, then why the fuck did you adopt a baby from there in the first place? Just shut up. Savior complexes have no room in the adoptee community.
Okay, first of all, one does not "land" in a family. Period. Second of all, adoptees have no choice or say in whether they were adopted or not, so acting like they won the fucking lottery is so insulting. Our family is our family. A good family, arguably, doesn't exist. Every family is made of individuals with their ups, downs, quirks, and relationships. Thus, acting like adoptees are at the complete mercy of fate to "end up" in a winning family is just so unbelievably stupid to say.
"Glad you got out of the orphanage too" "Good for you for getting out of the orphanage!"
Also...adoptees didn't break out of the orphanage. These are tonedeaf, completely idiotic things people have said to adoptees. Like WTF. Adoptees have absolutely no say in whether they are adopted or who they are adopted by. There was not a heist or an escape plan.
"You birthmom gave you a need for love that your adoptive parents have fulfilled."
Do not ever speak for our birthmoms. This is so insulting, I cannot even begin to explain how stupid or cruel one would have to be to say this. The birthmom tried every thing she could to keep her baby safe. It was not a sacrifice. It was an inhuman and immoral and unethical law that she was not allowed to keep us. So after our birthmoms have to collectively endure being treated like absolute shit by the Chinese government, they get to be shit on by the adoptive parents. Yeah. Just great. Birthmoms had to endure forced abortions and later forced sterilizations. Many have tried to escape, only to be hunted down by groups of village officials. Some birthmoms have had their newborns snatched from their arms. The government would fine parents impossibly high amounts of money, destroy homes, arrest family members, and leave birthparents absolutely no choice. Yeah, adoptive parents, next time you want to speak for my birthmom, I'd like to see you withstand even a second of that torture and see how long you last. You're not the star of the show. Saying this cutesy little feel good saying, where you get to be the hero, is equal to telling the adoptee that you find them absolutely worthless because you told them their birthmom just "left" them of their own fucking accord, when in reality, that adoptee might have been the victim of human trafficking and lies upon lies upon lies. This isn't a fairytale where the adoptive parents get to swoop in and play the superhero. Even if our circumstances are not known or are known to differ from the worst-cast-scenario, it doesn't matter. What matters is that our birthmoms are near and dear to our hearts. She is an extension of my own being. Insulting her is insulting ME. Our birthmoms deserve to be respected and I demand respect for all of them.
Our birthcountry is meaningful to us. Putting it down implies that you believe our current situation, of which we had no choice, is automatically better for us. This is absolutely false. Get off your privileged high-horse and just think for one teensy-tiny second how such tonedeaf statements sound to us. Our birthcountry is not to be disrespected. If it's such a god awful, terrible place, full of terrible people, then why the fuck did you adopt a baby from there in the first place? Just shut up. Savior complexes have no room in the adoptee community.
Part 3: Respect our individual circumstances.
"I hope you landed in a good family"Okay, first of all, one does not "land" in a family. Period. Second of all, adoptees have no choice or say in whether they were adopted or not, so acting like they won the fucking lottery is so insulting. Our family is our family. A good family, arguably, doesn't exist. Every family is made of individuals with their ups, downs, quirks, and relationships. Thus, acting like adoptees are at the complete mercy of fate to "end up" in a winning family is just so unbelievably stupid to say.
"Glad you got out of the orphanage too" "Good for you for getting out of the orphanage!"
Also...adoptees didn't break out of the orphanage. These are tonedeaf, completely idiotic things people have said to adoptees. Like WTF. Adoptees have absolutely no say in whether they are adopted or who they are adopted by. There was not a heist or an escape plan.
"You birthmom gave you a need for love that your adoptive parents have fulfilled."
Do not ever speak for our birthmoms. This is so insulting, I cannot even begin to explain how stupid or cruel one would have to be to say this. The birthmom tried every thing she could to keep her baby safe. It was not a sacrifice. It was an inhuman and immoral and unethical law that she was not allowed to keep us. So after our birthmoms have to collectively endure being treated like absolute shit by the Chinese government, they get to be shit on by the adoptive parents. Yeah. Just great. Birthmoms had to endure forced abortions and later forced sterilizations. Many have tried to escape, only to be hunted down by groups of village officials. Some birthmoms have had their newborns snatched from their arms. The government would fine parents impossibly high amounts of money, destroy homes, arrest family members, and leave birthparents absolutely no choice. Yeah, adoptive parents, next time you want to speak for my birthmom, I'd like to see you withstand even a second of that torture and see how long you last. You're not the star of the show. Saying this cutesy little feel good saying, where you get to be the hero, is equal to telling the adoptee that you find them absolutely worthless because you told them their birthmom just "left" them of their own fucking accord, when in reality, that adoptee might have been the victim of human trafficking and lies upon lies upon lies. This isn't a fairytale where the adoptive parents get to swoop in and play the superhero. Even if our circumstances are not known or are known to differ from the worst-cast-scenario, it doesn't matter. What matters is that our birthmoms are near and dear to our hearts. She is an extension of my own being. Insulting her is insulting ME. Our birthmoms deserve to be respected and I demand respect for all of them.
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