Birthparent Searches: "I want to feel like I tried."
Starbucks sells overpriced coffee. No, Starbucks will tell you that they sell the experience of enjoying your coffee in the ambiance of a cafe. You're paying for the experience.
Often I have dreamed of going on a birthparent search, like a quest. There's enough adoptee media to give even younger adoptees a sense of what could or should be done. Now, with affordable cameras and social media, you can even watch YouTube videos of Chinese adoptees marching through China on their birthparent search. It seems like all their ducks are in a row and they're doing everything they should: check the police station, check the orphanage, have a translator, go to the media, hand out fliers...
I once yearned for that experience too. I wanted to have the experience of searching, of telling myself "I tried," and I wanted to feel that my investigation was thorough by leaving no rock unturned...but how much can one adoptee or family really do in a week? How much money can you afford to spend on a translator for every day? How much money can you afford to spend on the hotel? For the plane flight? How long can you or your parents take off from school or work? This is why I think adoptees are drawn to those "miracle methods," those fast, high risk-high reward, shot-in-the-dark methods that feel like they should work but very often don't. This is because of "survivorship bias" or the bias that occurs when maybe 1,000 people tried and only two had successes, but you only ever hear about the two successes in the news which makes you feel like your odds are greater than they really are. Often, following the prescribed adoptee search plan, or even better, listening to the advice of the online adoptee community, can lead to guaranteed failure. Do this, don't do that. Never do this, always do this. You'll drive yourself nuts. The only way to figure it out is by reading EVERYTHING you can and making a cognitive judgment and informed decision.
Emotions (obviously) also play a big role. There's always that gigantic sense of helplessness, like you're swimming in a never-ending expanse of ocean and no matter what direction you swim in, you're never moving anywhere. Birthparent searches have always seemed impossible to me. China was too big. The One Child Policy made having me illegal so no names or hints were on our documentation. Knowing now that our paperwork might even be completely or partially fabricated also adds to this sense of helplessness. It makes you just want to dip your toe into the searching process instead of going all-in. It makes me want to just hang out at a cafe, visit some pandas, and then half-heartedly pass out some fliers and call it a day. I'll shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, I did the best I could," because I knew it was helpless anyway.
Fear too. I worried about what I'll find on the off chance that I do succeed. What if my birthmom doesn't like me? Or love me? What if she loves her other children more? What if she hates me? What if I find out I was given up willingly and not, you know, at the proverbial sword-point? This feeling can lead to self-sabotage (and apparently, for some adoptive families and adoptees who are also scared of what they'll find or what will happen if a reunion is possible, actual sabotage for other families.) Self-sabotage can look like not even trying very hard because you actually don't want it to work. You want to have the appearance of having tried, but deep down, you're relieved because your world isn't rocked and your life stays the same.
After reading everything I could and learning everything I could, I know that one day I will go back for at least a week to the province I am from and snoop around. Hopefully, I will be able to go back many times in my life afterwards too. My goal has shifted. I don't want to make waves. I want results. If not for me, then for the collective other. A private search is the way to go, especially at first. I don't want the word to get out that I'm searching and my birthfamily to be threatened into not reaching out. I don't want people to be coached to lie to me and send me on wild goose chases. I want answers, not quaint stories. I want the truth. Going straight to the orphanage or straight to the police station is a surefire way to shoot yourself in the foot. They could call your foster mom (I didn't have one, but some did) ahead of time and tell them to mislead you. You want to get to those people before they're told not to tell you anything.
I know now that going to the police station is a foolish thing to do because it is in their best interest to not make waves too. Being a part of a birthfamily reunion in which a story of human trafficking can come to light is certainly not in their best interest. Birthfamilies are also often wary of the police and authority figures. Who wouldn't be mistrustful after everything they suffered? So no. I'm not going to the police. And go to the orphanage? Forget about it. You think they'd want me to make progress and uncover the truth too? My documents are fraudulent. If they wanted to cover up something 20-odd years ago, I'm pretty damn sure it's still in the orphanage's best interest to keep it buried.
But lying low, being cautious, reading as much research material and experiential journals as I can get my hands on...is awfully mundane. This is a sentiment I've seen expressed by many other adoptees in my shoes, chomping at the bit to do everything under the sun, unconvinced that sometimes, less is more. Even visiting China just to locate birthfamilies and pass along contact information to DNAConnect.Org seems awfully...boring? There's no sense of questing or cinematic movie plot to just being patient and acting carefully. Where's the pizzazz and the fireworks? But I think I've lived vicariously through enough adoptee searching failures to understand the pitfalls of the flashy-shiny route. Why is it that all the adoptees I know who made a big splash on Chinese television and were babysat and followed 24/7 by the film crew and staff (which likely affected how locals would respond) didn't succeed in their search?
Sure, some did, because you'll hear about those stories. But you never hear all the stories of the hundreds of adoptees who go back to China each year who come up empty. I also know that because reunion shows are becoming increasingly popular in China (of course, they never acknowledge why an adoptee needs to be reunited in the first place), many adoptees are forced into a weird soap opera narrative where they play house with fake birthparents. DNA evidence will later show they there is absolutely zero relation. It's not just the news outlets that want the fairytale ending. Some organizations within the country claim they help reunite families...with growing evidence to the contrary. Is it really that hard to believe that China, for all its propaganda and obsession with good PR might possibly also interfere with birthfamily reunions too? And don't forget adoptees. Some adoptees and adoptive parents want the fairytale ending so badly, they'll pay to be scammed.
I'm sick of being manipulated. I just want answers and I want the truth. I'm not paying for an experience. I'm not paying to feel good about myself for trying. I'm certainly not paying to be lied to again. I want to try. Actually try, for results. If a birthfamily reunion comes in the form of a DNA notification one day in my living room and not through a dramatic decade-long battle with a fire-breathing dragon, I'll take that. I will take that a thousand times.
TLDR: Be patient. Resist the urge to follow every poorly-researched suggestion thrown at you by Facebook groups, where everyone thinks they are an expert. Make informed decisions by reading as much as you can. Read between the lines. Be careful of confirmation bias. Sometimes, the truth isn't what you think.
Often I have dreamed of going on a birthparent search, like a quest. There's enough adoptee media to give even younger adoptees a sense of what could or should be done. Now, with affordable cameras and social media, you can even watch YouTube videos of Chinese adoptees marching through China on their birthparent search. It seems like all their ducks are in a row and they're doing everything they should: check the police station, check the orphanage, have a translator, go to the media, hand out fliers...
I once yearned for that experience too. I wanted to have the experience of searching, of telling myself "I tried," and I wanted to feel that my investigation was thorough by leaving no rock unturned...but how much can one adoptee or family really do in a week? How much money can you afford to spend on a translator for every day? How much money can you afford to spend on the hotel? For the plane flight? How long can you or your parents take off from school or work? This is why I think adoptees are drawn to those "miracle methods," those fast, high risk-high reward, shot-in-the-dark methods that feel like they should work but very often don't. This is because of "survivorship bias" or the bias that occurs when maybe 1,000 people tried and only two had successes, but you only ever hear about the two successes in the news which makes you feel like your odds are greater than they really are. Often, following the prescribed adoptee search plan, or even better, listening to the advice of the online adoptee community, can lead to guaranteed failure. Do this, don't do that. Never do this, always do this. You'll drive yourself nuts. The only way to figure it out is by reading EVERYTHING you can and making a cognitive judgment and informed decision.
Emotions (obviously) also play a big role. There's always that gigantic sense of helplessness, like you're swimming in a never-ending expanse of ocean and no matter what direction you swim in, you're never moving anywhere. Birthparent searches have always seemed impossible to me. China was too big. The One Child Policy made having me illegal so no names or hints were on our documentation. Knowing now that our paperwork might even be completely or partially fabricated also adds to this sense of helplessness. It makes you just want to dip your toe into the searching process instead of going all-in. It makes me want to just hang out at a cafe, visit some pandas, and then half-heartedly pass out some fliers and call it a day. I'll shrug my shoulders and say, "Well, I did the best I could," because I knew it was helpless anyway.
Fear too. I worried about what I'll find on the off chance that I do succeed. What if my birthmom doesn't like me? Or love me? What if she loves her other children more? What if she hates me? What if I find out I was given up willingly and not, you know, at the proverbial sword-point? This feeling can lead to self-sabotage (and apparently, for some adoptive families and adoptees who are also scared of what they'll find or what will happen if a reunion is possible, actual sabotage for other families.) Self-sabotage can look like not even trying very hard because you actually don't want it to work. You want to have the appearance of having tried, but deep down, you're relieved because your world isn't rocked and your life stays the same.
After reading everything I could and learning everything I could, I know that one day I will go back for at least a week to the province I am from and snoop around. Hopefully, I will be able to go back many times in my life afterwards too. My goal has shifted. I don't want to make waves. I want results. If not for me, then for the collective other. A private search is the way to go, especially at first. I don't want the word to get out that I'm searching and my birthfamily to be threatened into not reaching out. I don't want people to be coached to lie to me and send me on wild goose chases. I want answers, not quaint stories. I want the truth. Going straight to the orphanage or straight to the police station is a surefire way to shoot yourself in the foot. They could call your foster mom (I didn't have one, but some did) ahead of time and tell them to mislead you. You want to get to those people before they're told not to tell you anything.
I know now that going to the police station is a foolish thing to do because it is in their best interest to not make waves too. Being a part of a birthfamily reunion in which a story of human trafficking can come to light is certainly not in their best interest. Birthfamilies are also often wary of the police and authority figures. Who wouldn't be mistrustful after everything they suffered? So no. I'm not going to the police. And go to the orphanage? Forget about it. You think they'd want me to make progress and uncover the truth too? My documents are fraudulent. If they wanted to cover up something 20-odd years ago, I'm pretty damn sure it's still in the orphanage's best interest to keep it buried.
But lying low, being cautious, reading as much research material and experiential journals as I can get my hands on...is awfully mundane. This is a sentiment I've seen expressed by many other adoptees in my shoes, chomping at the bit to do everything under the sun, unconvinced that sometimes, less is more. Even visiting China just to locate birthfamilies and pass along contact information to DNAConnect.Org seems awfully...boring? There's no sense of questing or cinematic movie plot to just being patient and acting carefully. Where's the pizzazz and the fireworks? But I think I've lived vicariously through enough adoptee searching failures to understand the pitfalls of the flashy-shiny route. Why is it that all the adoptees I know who made a big splash on Chinese television and were babysat and followed 24/7 by the film crew and staff (which likely affected how locals would respond) didn't succeed in their search?
Sure, some did, because you'll hear about those stories. But you never hear all the stories of the hundreds of adoptees who go back to China each year who come up empty. I also know that because reunion shows are becoming increasingly popular in China (of course, they never acknowledge why an adoptee needs to be reunited in the first place), many adoptees are forced into a weird soap opera narrative where they play house with fake birthparents. DNA evidence will later show they there is absolutely zero relation. It's not just the news outlets that want the fairytale ending. Some organizations within the country claim they help reunite families...with growing evidence to the contrary. Is it really that hard to believe that China, for all its propaganda and obsession with good PR might possibly also interfere with birthfamily reunions too? And don't forget adoptees. Some adoptees and adoptive parents want the fairytale ending so badly, they'll pay to be scammed.
I'm sick of being manipulated. I just want answers and I want the truth. I'm not paying for an experience. I'm not paying to feel good about myself for trying. I'm certainly not paying to be lied to again. I want to try. Actually try, for results. If a birthfamily reunion comes in the form of a DNA notification one day in my living room and not through a dramatic decade-long battle with a fire-breathing dragon, I'll take that. I will take that a thousand times.
TLDR: Be patient. Resist the urge to follow every poorly-researched suggestion thrown at you by Facebook groups, where everyone thinks they are an expert. Make informed decisions by reading as much as you can. Read between the lines. Be careful of confirmation bias. Sometimes, the truth isn't what you think.
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