A Reply Letter to a Once "Hidden" Daughter
Dear Simeng Dai,
You also write a blog. It's called "Aliens In the USA" and one post in particular really spoke to me: A Letter to a Once “Hidden” Child — That’s Me.
First of all, I want to say how much I appreciated your honesty and willingness to share your story. It isn't easy to write your own story when so many others would rather you keep it "short and sweet and simple." I'm glad you were able to write it in 2015.
Second, I was glad I was able to read it in 2020. Chinese adoptee blogs are difficult to find on the internet. Chinese "Hidden Daughter" blogs? I don't even think Google would know what to look for. I'm glad I read it though, because so often, I think we forget about hidden daughters. We know you exist, of course. They even made it in some of the earliest news reports, like National Geographic's 2005 "China's Lost Girls" which has false information about adoptees (they say we're all abandoned), but must have gotten the hidden daughter phenomenon correct enough. Adoptees have a lot of emotional baggage on their plates, most of it unaddressed because adoption is viewed as a "blessing" rather than as a trauma. The reality is that life is complicated and no one's existence should be viewed as a stroke of fate or luck or destiny or divinity...because our existence can't just hang on a thread like that when biological kids are never reminded about how lucky they are to be alive. Because we're sorting out all of our personal baggage, I don't think we often look outside of ourselves. That's probably the reason why many Chinese adoptees refuse to even consider their finding/abandonment documentation is a lie or that their birthparents miss them. It's also the reason why we never at first think about the "hidden" daughters.
When you think about how the One Child Policy affected China and its citizens, and because I'm a girl, I often think about how girls were affected, there are three main outcomes:
1) You're a daughter in China.
2) You're a hidden daughter in China.
3) You're an orphan and/or adopted.
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to focus on these three. Many Chinese adoptees focus on the first category. In American schools, we have Asian exchange students. Especially in college, there are many Chinese international students and many of them are girls. It isn't uncommon for Chinese adoptees to encounter them and to wonder, "Why was she kept and I wasn't? We're the same age...the One Child Policy applied to us both...so why did her family keep her?"
Many Chinese adoptees also are (to differing degrees) aware of other Chinese adoptees. I live in an area full of Chinese adoptees. It was my normal growing up. There are adoptee camps, like Holt camp, and different organizations like FCC (Families with Children from China) and CCI (China's Children International.) Not every adoptee benefits from these groups and not every adoptee is in a location where they can access these groups either. Still, we had them.
But you, Simeng? You bring it up yourself. As a hidden daughter, you were just that: hidden. You seemed amazed that Chinese adoptees had their own sense of culture and belonging in America. It seems obvious, thinking about it now, that hidden daughters didn't have that same support system. Where in China could illegal daughters gather and talk about the fact they didn't have proper identification in the system? Yet, you were on the outside looking in on our Chinese adoptee community even though you had much the same emotional trauma that we do. Feelings of being alone, being separated, feeling unsafe or like there is no security...many of us feel this way too. Not that most will admit it. And if adoptees are in "the fog," just forget it. People in their own time grow and discover themselves. It seems that though you are our age, you're done quite a lot of growing!
Third, I had to remind myself a few times that no one really "wins" in this situation. Families shouldn't be torn apart, even and especially by the government. That's just my personal opinion. Even though you seemed to resent your birthmother and refer to her as your birthmother, which is understandable given your situation, I can't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous of any hidden daughters. At least you know who your birthmom is. At least you've had the opportunity to love her and know her face. At least you know your name. But I also anticipate being told much the same thing in reverse: "It's not blood but love that makes a family. Yuna, you've been raised in America as an only child with two loving parents in a diverse, middle-class neighborhood. Why on earth are you complaining?" And I'm not saying I'd rather have a different life. I love my parents and wouldn't trade them for the world. But we must be reminded that no one really wins. We can't really compare our situations and see who had it better. Maybe it's a situation of "the grass is always greener on the other side," or maybe it's just that both of us are still craving a certain kind of love from our birthmom's that never came. No matter how much love I get from my parents, it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's not the size, but the shape, that prevents that hole from ever being completely filled.
Your story starts out the way many adoptees' stories do. Though all Chinese adoptees have paperwork that tells them when and where they were abandoned and who found them, we know that many, if not most documents, were forged. Mine were. They were forged to cover up human trafficking, baby buying incentive programs, and other non-abandonment ways that babies were brought to the orphanage. Sometimes, they even swapped data for babies and separated twins just to make it harder for a birthfamily reunion in the future. The goal was to prevent adoptees from untangling the mess and potentially casting a negative light on China. In light of all the true stories we know now of what happened to us, I can say confidently that your story aligns, at least somewhat, with some adoptees' stories.
The birthparents might have a baby and because they are unable to keep the baby, they pay someone like an old man to take care of the baby for a while. Maybe they give the baby to the grandparents or to a neighbor. Or maybe, they know there is a childless couple who would like a baby and leave the baby on their doorstep so at least they will be able to watch their child as she grows up. Then something happens. Maybe the baby is found on the doorstep by a baby finder. Maybe someone reports the old man or the grandparents for taking care of an over-quota child. Maybe the person who was taking care of the baby decided to sell the baby to the orphanage instead. Maybe the Family Planning Police confiscated the baby from the Uncle's house. Whatever happened, the baby ended up in the orphanage where they were adopted internationally and told they were simply "abandoned."
This didn't happen to you though. Yet, it could have. How many other adoptees might have been hidden daughters if something didn't happen?
Lastly, I'm happy that you're still living your life. I'm living my life too. You're an engineer at a tech company. You studied as an exchange student in America for Journalism and got a Master's Degree in it too. I went to undergraduate college studying science and I'm going to graduate school this year for more. Our stories don't just end...things happened to us. But we're still moving along. We're still living and growing, just like any other normal person. We have friends. We have happy moments and sad moments and every moment in between. We're just people.
With much love,
Yuna
End note:
Simeng Dai read this post and wrote a piece about her experiences with Chinese adoptees in the USA. This is the link to that.
Second, I was glad I was able to read it in 2020. Chinese adoptee blogs are difficult to find on the internet. Chinese "Hidden Daughter" blogs? I don't even think Google would know what to look for. I'm glad I read it though, because so often, I think we forget about hidden daughters. We know you exist, of course. They even made it in some of the earliest news reports, like National Geographic's 2005 "China's Lost Girls" which has false information about adoptees (they say we're all abandoned), but must have gotten the hidden daughter phenomenon correct enough. Adoptees have a lot of emotional baggage on their plates, most of it unaddressed because adoption is viewed as a "blessing" rather than as a trauma. The reality is that life is complicated and no one's existence should be viewed as a stroke of fate or luck or destiny or divinity...because our existence can't just hang on a thread like that when biological kids are never reminded about how lucky they are to be alive. Because we're sorting out all of our personal baggage, I don't think we often look outside of ourselves. That's probably the reason why many Chinese adoptees refuse to even consider their finding/abandonment documentation is a lie or that their birthparents miss them. It's also the reason why we never at first think about the "hidden" daughters.
When you think about how the One Child Policy affected China and its citizens, and because I'm a girl, I often think about how girls were affected, there are three main outcomes:
1) You're a daughter in China.
2) You're a hidden daughter in China.
3) You're an orphan and/or adopted.
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to focus on these three. Many Chinese adoptees focus on the first category. In American schools, we have Asian exchange students. Especially in college, there are many Chinese international students and many of them are girls. It isn't uncommon for Chinese adoptees to encounter them and to wonder, "Why was she kept and I wasn't? We're the same age...the One Child Policy applied to us both...so why did her family keep her?"
Many Chinese adoptees also are (to differing degrees) aware of other Chinese adoptees. I live in an area full of Chinese adoptees. It was my normal growing up. There are adoptee camps, like Holt camp, and different organizations like FCC (Families with Children from China) and CCI (China's Children International.) Not every adoptee benefits from these groups and not every adoptee is in a location where they can access these groups either. Still, we had them.
But you, Simeng? You bring it up yourself. As a hidden daughter, you were just that: hidden. You seemed amazed that Chinese adoptees had their own sense of culture and belonging in America. It seems obvious, thinking about it now, that hidden daughters didn't have that same support system. Where in China could illegal daughters gather and talk about the fact they didn't have proper identification in the system? Yet, you were on the outside looking in on our Chinese adoptee community even though you had much the same emotional trauma that we do. Feelings of being alone, being separated, feeling unsafe or like there is no security...many of us feel this way too. Not that most will admit it. And if adoptees are in "the fog," just forget it. People in their own time grow and discover themselves. It seems that though you are our age, you're done quite a lot of growing!
Third, I had to remind myself a few times that no one really "wins" in this situation. Families shouldn't be torn apart, even and especially by the government. That's just my personal opinion. Even though you seemed to resent your birthmother and refer to her as your birthmother, which is understandable given your situation, I can't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous of any hidden daughters. At least you know who your birthmom is. At least you've had the opportunity to love her and know her face. At least you know your name. But I also anticipate being told much the same thing in reverse: "It's not blood but love that makes a family. Yuna, you've been raised in America as an only child with two loving parents in a diverse, middle-class neighborhood. Why on earth are you complaining?" And I'm not saying I'd rather have a different life. I love my parents and wouldn't trade them for the world. But we must be reminded that no one really wins. We can't really compare our situations and see who had it better. Maybe it's a situation of "the grass is always greener on the other side," or maybe it's just that both of us are still craving a certain kind of love from our birthmom's that never came. No matter how much love I get from my parents, it's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's not the size, but the shape, that prevents that hole from ever being completely filled.
Your story starts out the way many adoptees' stories do. Though all Chinese adoptees have paperwork that tells them when and where they were abandoned and who found them, we know that many, if not most documents, were forged. Mine were. They were forged to cover up human trafficking, baby buying incentive programs, and other non-abandonment ways that babies were brought to the orphanage. Sometimes, they even swapped data for babies and separated twins just to make it harder for a birthfamily reunion in the future. The goal was to prevent adoptees from untangling the mess and potentially casting a negative light on China. In light of all the true stories we know now of what happened to us, I can say confidently that your story aligns, at least somewhat, with some adoptees' stories.
The birthparents might have a baby and because they are unable to keep the baby, they pay someone like an old man to take care of the baby for a while. Maybe they give the baby to the grandparents or to a neighbor. Or maybe, they know there is a childless couple who would like a baby and leave the baby on their doorstep so at least they will be able to watch their child as she grows up. Then something happens. Maybe the baby is found on the doorstep by a baby finder. Maybe someone reports the old man or the grandparents for taking care of an over-quota child. Maybe the person who was taking care of the baby decided to sell the baby to the orphanage instead. Maybe the Family Planning Police confiscated the baby from the Uncle's house. Whatever happened, the baby ended up in the orphanage where they were adopted internationally and told they were simply "abandoned."
This didn't happen to you though. Yet, it could have. How many other adoptees might have been hidden daughters if something didn't happen?
Our stories are intertwined. They are, in some ways, two sides of the very same coin. Yet, we often don't think of you, and it seems, you often didn't think of us.I think most people reading your story would understand your trauma and your hardships. Most people are unable to understand that adoptees face the same trauma. Perhaps we have so many similar emotional wounds because we did live through some of the same traumatic events, or at least, the same traumatic environment. Babies need love and stability. Things that were unable to flourish due to circumstances outside of either of our control.
Lastly, I'm happy that you're still living your life. I'm living my life too. You're an engineer at a tech company. You studied as an exchange student in America for Journalism and got a Master's Degree in it too. I went to undergraduate college studying science and I'm going to graduate school this year for more. Our stories don't just end...things happened to us. But we're still moving along. We're still living and growing, just like any other normal person. We have friends. We have happy moments and sad moments and every moment in between. We're just people.
With much love,
Yuna
End note:
Simeng Dai read this post and wrote a piece about her experiences with Chinese adoptees in the USA. This is the link to that.
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