Childhood Nightmares of Being Kidnapped

I spent a little over my entire first year alive in an orphanage as far as I know. When I came to America, I was barely over one year old. While the debate rages on about when exactly babies form memories, or if they do and then forget them, the chances I "remember" anything from my time in China is slim. I don't remember.

But separation trauma, institutionalized care, and adoption trauma are stored in our bodies. A baby learns its mother's voice in the womb. There is so much we simply don't know about babies. For instance, a study at Yale University's Infant Cognition Center found that infants as young as 3-months old have a form of justice and can tell right from wrong.

All I know is that my earliest recurring nightmare was when I was first brought to America. I had this nightmare many times throughout my childhood, where I would be lying in bed and people would come into the house, lock me in a cage, and carry me out. And no matter how loudly I cried for help, my parents did not wake up. I was carried out of the house in the cage, and out onto the street. That's the end of the dream. The terror and helplessness was very much real for me. I also know that other adoptees report having similar separation nightmares or "rescue" fantasies. It's documented in The Primal Wound as well.

I'm not one to really believe in dreams, but I no longer know if what I was told, that I was simply abandoned, is correct. As I've discussed in length before, I don't see the moral difference between baby buying programs and what was already going on in China at the time. The idea still upsets me though and I am wary of identifying as a so-called "trafficking victim" until I know the truth.