"Gotcha" Day Needs to Change

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Author's Note:

I want to premise this post by acknowledging that this topic has been beaten to death already by the adoptee community. 

For a great article, please read: What's Wrong With Gotcha Day by Red Thread Broken

But I wanted to share my own experiences anyway.

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What is "Gotcha Day?"

Gotcha Day or "Got You Day" marks the anniversary of when an adoptee has officially joined the family. For international adoptees, this is typically the first day in which the adoptive parents are able to physically retrieve the child, rather than it being the date on which the paper work has been finalized. Gotcha Day is often celebrated like another holiday on the calendar, sometimes with cake and gifts like a birthday. A common tradition is to retell the story of how the adoptee came to be added to the family, the journey to China for instance, accompanied by photos or videos.

Why don't adoptees like the term "Gotcha?"

Many adoptees find the term "gotcha" offensive because it objectifies them like prizes to be won or toys to be bought. Adoptees came from somewhere, but their origins are often ignored in lieu of what the adoptive parents have gained. The emphasis of "gotcha" is on the adoptive parents getting something, rather than joining with someone.

Both in its name and practice, there is no acknowledgment whatsoever for what the birthfamily lost or what the adoptee lost. In fact, most adoptees year round feel as if their feelings of loss and mourning are ignored, and adoptees often feel a pressure to uphold the "happy adoption fairytale." Gotcha Day highlights the disparity between society's ideal of adoption as a panacea and separation trauma as a festering wound. 

Just change the name. What's the big deal?

In a society which still labors under the mistaken beliefs that orphans are lower class charity cases that should beg for scraps of human kindness, pressuring adoptees into feeling HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY about their adoption is cruel. (See Victor Hugo's gamin and the Dickensian orphan.)

Growing up, I was often unable to express my own complicated feelings about losing my birthmother, birth culture, given name, birthdate, mother language, etc. Society has decided that the adoptee is not sophisticated enough to know what loss is, that babies are blank slates despite what psychology now knows to be true. However, Society has decided that  adoptees are just capable enough to grovel for their right to life.

On Gotcha Day, Society points its finger at you and says, "BE HAPPY RIGHT NOW ABOUT YOUR ADOPTION." And on command, you have to smile for the camera. 

It is one of the most bizarre things about the adoption community. Ironically, Gotcha Day is often a day when emotions of grief and loss for us are heightened, since it marks the day where we left behind the "before" forever. On this day when emotions clash, society wins like always. Adoptees shoulder the burden of swallowing down their own emotions to tend to the expectations of their parents and of society. 

You're celebrated, but only if you follow the rules. 

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2020 Update:

Despite this being one of the only topics most adoptees will agree on, many adoptive parents still refuse to acknowledge that adoption comes with loss, only able to see their lives and not the loss that came before. 

My parents have attempted to tell our China group that the term "Gotcha" is offensive because it literally says they "got us" if not in the sense of capture, then in the sense of "bought" and "obtained."

(This connection is all the more heinous as human trafficking did occur all over China, and very notably, at our orphanage.)

My parents have also attempted to explain that just because adoption is happy for our current family to be complete, that adoptees' pain goes unacknowledged...and yet, 'lo and behold, the other adoptive parents' ignorance spiked up again as group emails made their rounds again this year.