Where are you REALLY from? and Other Classics
I've been immersed in Adoptee Land so long that I often forget that there's an outside world full of people who don't understand the basic faux pas of adoptee culture. For them, I am writing this post.
If you're an adoptive parent or adoptee, you may have different opinions and that's okay! But here are the classics I've gathered.
Where are you really from?
Why do you want to know where I'm from? Will you treat me differently based on my answer? I don't want you to treat me differently! Why aren't you asking the white kid the same questions?
I'm from...America. No? You don't like that answer. Well, are you saying I'm not an American? Because I am. I'm much more American than Chinese. Okay, okay, now you're pissed because I said "America." So now I say "Pennsylvania." Nope, you're still pissed.
Well, you know what, I don't owe it to you to tell you my life story. You're a stranger and I shouldn't have to shout "I'm adopted!" to the hills. Telling people I'm adopted is my business and my business only. It's very personal and very unfairly something that you can see or figure out without my explicit consent.
This is a question that a lot of people hate! Adoptees and non-adoptees alike!
It could mean your race, your ethnicity, your country, your city, your state, your birthplace, your place of residence...!
It's one of the only questions where the person asking the question decides whether your answer is right or not about YOU!
"Where are you from?"
"America."
"WRONG!"
"Wait! How am I wrong? And if you have the answer key, then why bother asking me at all?"
"But where are you REALLY from?"
"Umm Pennsyl--"
"WRONG!"
"What?"
"Well, I was born in China"
"Urgh! Finally!" *dirty look* "Ching chong chung chong! Do you know Yuqing Li?"
"Well I'm adopted..."
You are so blessed!
What was the orphanage like?
Do you wish you spoke Chinese?
I'm so sorry for you!
How has adoption changed your life?
Do you want to go back there?
Do you remember anything?
I've met an adoptee once.
Do you really eat dog?
So are you good at math anyway?
Well, you would have been dead, right?
How do you feel about the one child policy?
Do you wish you had siblings?
Would you want to adopt?
...
The thing is, a lot of adoptees and non-adoptees have created a whole host of very witty answers to these questions. Some are more humorous and some are more rude or firm. But what if you're in a situation where it really isn't appropriate to body slam the ignorant person? Like in a job interview, at a funeral, in a meeting with a close person you really don't want to hurt. What can we say about these questions and these answers then? Let's be honest, everyone, we all make faux pas and we're probably not being told when we do. So if it's not a cringey guy in a seedy bar trying to get between your legs with some tactless "Asian" talk, what answers can we use?
It's always okay to say you don't want to talk about it.
It may seem weird, but it is totally okay to say you aren't comfortable with talking about something or that it is personal. "Oh, I don't really want to talk about that."
Chances are, the person will backtrack, but it doesn't mean they won't pry for more. Just know that it is within your rights to decide to talk or decide not to talk, both are equally valid and both are up to you.
What do you mean by that? This is a phrase called a "power phrase" that's often used in situations to draw a hard boundary. For instance, if someone makes an off-handed comment such as "well, of course you're good at math," you can ask "what do you mean by that?" It sort of puts them on the spot because you're directly asking them to explain themselves. It can come off as firm and strong, so it isn't always the best thing to use at a funeral maybe, but in an interview or a meeting with your adviser.
If you're curious, I'm happy to point you towards some resources, but I'd rather not talk about it. Most people don't want to be educated, they just want the quick and interesting facts they can scoop out of you. This is a good sentence to use to really turn people away because they probably don't want your list of websites or books on trauma. If they genuinely want to know, then that's up to you on how to handle it. They might even look into some of these resources themselves.
They're tone-deaf, which is a lighter way of saying rude or offensive due to ignorance, because they make adoptees feel uncomfortable. You're treating us differently based on our appearance. We know you're not asking the white kids the same questions and we notice. What about looking different or being of a different race grants you special permission to ask personal questions about our very personal life? Adoption can be very painful, and adoptees are in all stages of emotion. It can be like taking a knife to an open wound, or picking off a scab with a jack-hammer. These questions are also incredibly self-serving. They are not asked for the adoptee's benefit, and they are used by people who want a quick story and think they can squeeze one out of us-whether we like it or not. Then, these people share our personal histories with other people we also didn't give permission to. Once again, we're not in control of our own stories. Adoptees are often viewed as unpaid tour guides for all things adoption, but not every adoptee wants to be an educator. Adoptees don't choose to be adoptees. It's not a job we signed up for and every adoptee shouldn't be expected to satisfy the curiosity of every ogling onlooker who thinks thinks this is a chance to get up close and personal with a sci-fi freak show: a chicken raised by a family of lambs, how did the chicken feel? How did the chicken develop? Does the chicken want to go back to chicken land?
What about what the chicken wants! We are humans and we deserve to be acknowledged as such! Don't ask stupid questions or say mean things!
So what if you made a mistake in the past? So what if the adoptee you asked seemed to be really into the questions? So what if you have an adoptee in the family and that grants you special permission to pry into my life?
The takeaway is that these questions aren't the problem. The problem is people assuming that adoptees are there for their own pleasure. People, strangers, colleagues who have the audacity to slam us right out of the gate with personal questions simply because we are not typical. We look different and we look different from our families. Our differences make us targets of being hurt everyday by seemingly benign questions. Consider how you would feel if you were asked every time you left the house about your stillbirth or your abortion or your greatest failure or your greatest weakness...meanwhile, girls who look like Taylor Swift get off scot-free.
If you're an adoptive parent or adoptee, you may have different opinions and that's okay! But here are the classics I've gathered.
Where are you really from?
Why do you want to know where I'm from? Will you treat me differently based on my answer? I don't want you to treat me differently! Why aren't you asking the white kid the same questions?
I'm from...America. No? You don't like that answer. Well, are you saying I'm not an American? Because I am. I'm much more American than Chinese. Okay, okay, now you're pissed because I said "America." So now I say "Pennsylvania." Nope, you're still pissed.
Well, you know what, I don't owe it to you to tell you my life story. You're a stranger and I shouldn't have to shout "I'm adopted!" to the hills. Telling people I'm adopted is my business and my business only. It's very personal and very unfairly something that you can see or figure out without my explicit consent.
This is a question that a lot of people hate! Adoptees and non-adoptees alike!
It could mean your race, your ethnicity, your country, your city, your state, your birthplace, your place of residence...!
It's one of the only questions where the person asking the question decides whether your answer is right or not about YOU!
"Where are you from?"
"America."
"WRONG!"
"Wait! How am I wrong? And if you have the answer key, then why bother asking me at all?"
"But where are you REALLY from?"
"Umm Pennsyl--"
"WRONG!"
"What?"
"Well, I was born in China"
"Urgh! Finally!" *dirty look* "Ching chong chung chong! Do you know Yuqing Li?"
"Well I'm adopted..."
And that's when you get these other stupid questions and comments that you really did NOT ask for!
You are lucky!You are so blessed!
What was the orphanage like?
Do you wish you spoke Chinese?
I'm so sorry for you!
How has adoption changed your life?
Do you want to go back there?
Do you remember anything?
I've met an adoptee once.
Do you really eat dog?
So are you good at math anyway?
Well, you would have been dead, right?
How do you feel about the one child policy?
Do you wish you had siblings?
Would you want to adopt?
...
The thing is, a lot of adoptees and non-adoptees have created a whole host of very witty answers to these questions. Some are more humorous and some are more rude or firm. But what if you're in a situation where it really isn't appropriate to body slam the ignorant person? Like in a job interview, at a funeral, in a meeting with a close person you really don't want to hurt. What can we say about these questions and these answers then? Let's be honest, everyone, we all make faux pas and we're probably not being told when we do. So if it's not a cringey guy in a seedy bar trying to get between your legs with some tactless "Asian" talk, what answers can we use?
It's always okay to say you don't want to talk about it.
It may seem weird, but it is totally okay to say you aren't comfortable with talking about something or that it is personal. "Oh, I don't really want to talk about that."
Chances are, the person will backtrack, but it doesn't mean they won't pry for more. Just know that it is within your rights to decide to talk or decide not to talk, both are equally valid and both are up to you.
What do you mean by that? This is a phrase called a "power phrase" that's often used in situations to draw a hard boundary. For instance, if someone makes an off-handed comment such as "well, of course you're good at math," you can ask "what do you mean by that?" It sort of puts them on the spot because you're directly asking them to explain themselves. It can come off as firm and strong, so it isn't always the best thing to use at a funeral maybe, but in an interview or a meeting with your adviser.
If you're curious, I'm happy to point you towards some resources, but I'd rather not talk about it. Most people don't want to be educated, they just want the quick and interesting facts they can scoop out of you. This is a good sentence to use to really turn people away because they probably don't want your list of websites or books on trauma. If they genuinely want to know, then that's up to you on how to handle it. They might even look into some of these resources themselves.
Why is it that these questions are tone-deaf?
They're tone-deaf, which is a lighter way of saying rude or offensive due to ignorance, because they make adoptees feel uncomfortable. You're treating us differently based on our appearance. We know you're not asking the white kids the same questions and we notice. What about looking different or being of a different race grants you special permission to ask personal questions about our very personal life? Adoption can be very painful, and adoptees are in all stages of emotion. It can be like taking a knife to an open wound, or picking off a scab with a jack-hammer. These questions are also incredibly self-serving. They are not asked for the adoptee's benefit, and they are used by people who want a quick story and think they can squeeze one out of us-whether we like it or not. Then, these people share our personal histories with other people we also didn't give permission to. Once again, we're not in control of our own stories. Adoptees are often viewed as unpaid tour guides for all things adoption, but not every adoptee wants to be an educator. Adoptees don't choose to be adoptees. It's not a job we signed up for and every adoptee shouldn't be expected to satisfy the curiosity of every ogling onlooker who thinks thinks this is a chance to get up close and personal with a sci-fi freak show: a chicken raised by a family of lambs, how did the chicken feel? How did the chicken develop? Does the chicken want to go back to chicken land?What about what the chicken wants! We are humans and we deserve to be acknowledged as such! Don't ask stupid questions or say mean things!
So what if you made a mistake in the past? So what if the adoptee you asked seemed to be really into the questions? So what if you have an adoptee in the family and that grants you special permission to pry into my life?
The takeaway is that these questions aren't the problem. The problem is people assuming that adoptees are there for their own pleasure. People, strangers, colleagues who have the audacity to slam us right out of the gate with personal questions simply because we are not typical. We look different and we look different from our families. Our differences make us targets of being hurt everyday by seemingly benign questions. Consider how you would feel if you were asked every time you left the house about your stillbirth or your abortion or your greatest failure or your greatest weakness...meanwhile, girls who look like Taylor Swift get off scot-free.
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