Race and Belonging (Part 1)

What do transracial adoptions have in common?

I've been to different adoptee-only and adoptee/adoptive parent camps, trips, meet-ups, and groups. Conversation inevitably begins with names, place of birth, age, the easy stuff. It sometimes moves to love interests, adoptive parents who are so called "supportive," or other documentaries that have come out recently.

But it always lands on race. Race is the low-hanging fruit of transracial adoptions. It is social lubricant. As adoptees, we may not have anything or very much in common with each other. There is no single identity that we have, no cohesion in how we were raised, location, or daily experiences, but race? Oh yes! We all have stories of people being racist or ignorant. We all have stories of realizing or knowing we are different from our adoptive parents. Race is the go-to topic of choice and there's quite a lot to say.

It doesn't mean race is the most important thing to transracial adoptions, but it is something everyone can talk about, and so comparatively, gets more screen time. We want to belong to a community, whatever that community is, or whatever belonging really means. Being able to complain about race together is a bonding experience that lets us know we see one another, that we've dealt with some pretty shitty stuff too. But race is complicated and race is huge.

For many people, being an Asian adoptee means wanting to belong to an Asian culture. I was raised in an extremely diverse area with first, second, third, etc, generation immigrants the world over. Even high schools mere miles away could not boast of our diversity. For me, it was normal. Asian kids, Chinese kids, whatever. Some were nice, some were mean. But they were Americans who spoke English. Some of the Chinese kids spoke Mandarin at home, but not at school. Some didn't even speak Mandarin. Some spoke other languages like Fujianese or Cantonese. Some only spoke English. For me, Asian kids were just kids. When you truly know someone, they become individuals instead of a composite of a group. That's my friend Laura Chang...not, my Asian friend Laura CHANG. A lot of adoptees I have met with have not had my experiences. When you don't know, you start to fantasize. China, in many respects, is to me an almost holy or mythical place, despite the fact I know it is very much modern and alive, with policy and ethnic cleansing, and people in it and businesses that are very much active...

For adoptees who have never met an Asian person before, they seem to fall into some common pitfalls. From my experience listening to them, it seems as if they had been chasing racial ideals or stereotypes and are often surprised that their approach to view Asian people as inhuman is not welcomed.

For instance, all of the Asian kids at my school all wore normal prom dresses, yet many adoptees at other, less-diverse schools went full blown qipao. International Asian beauty standards advocate for lighter skin because of traditional and historical socioeconomic connotations in ancient Asia, and even though Asian American students and celebrities have normal skin, some adoptees overcompensate by wanting to have that ghost-white sheen. For adoptees who have not been exposed to real life Asian people, they often chase a stereotype of what they think an Asian person is and should be, and because they want to belong, they adopt aspects of this illusion. It's sad, and endearing, and a little insulting.

A very common story I have heard is adoptees joining Asian sororities in college and being utterly surprised when those sorority girls are mean or not inclusive. Ummm, no offense, but did you seriously think that all Asian people were nice? Seriously? I know sweet and mean people of every race! It is laughable for me to hear that some adoptees think "well, white girls are mean so I'm not surprised when they act mean, but Asian girls? I had no idea!" Everyone can be mean. WAKE UP. Some of my best friends are Chinese and some of the meanest people I know are Chinese. But that doesn't mean anything about Chinese people as a whole. These Asian girls in these sororities were likely growing up going to Starbucks, American Eagle, and Sephora...they aren't unicorns that fart rainbows so you shouldn't treat them as mythical creatures. They are human just like us. It is silly to think all white people get along, so why on earth would Asian people accept you because you have matching skin and hair?  I get it, it feels personal when you get rejected by the mother race, but this is just a small sampling of people. They're a-holes? Big deal.

Another common story I have heard is adoptees asking international students how to become more Asian, oohing and ahhing over "tradiation customs" or "authentic dumpling folding techniques." Honestly, if these students want to teach you, then fine, but don't walk up to them and expect them to be some kick-ass Chinese guru to teach you sacred Asian ways! I love how adoptees are somehow surprised when international students want nothing to do with them, or when they can't relate at all. Again, stop treating Asian people like mythical fairies. They're people too.

Anyway...

One of things that always bothered me was not looking like my mom. My mom has extremely curly brown hair and I always wished I had that too. I wanted to look like her, not because I have "internalized racism" or because brown beats black or whatever, but because she was my mommy and I wanted our appearances to match. I'm so used to my adoptee friends and their parents, that I honestly find it so strange when people match the race of their parents. When I was in high school for orchestra performances or award ceremonies, all of my friends like Laura Chang, and Linwei Chen, and Lily Yin were just my friends to me, but looking out over the crowd of these older Asian people was really weird, because somehow my brain couldn't compute that they had Asian parents.

When I started getting into makeup, I would go on YouTube and watch tutorials from Jen Chae (from head to toe), Tina Yong, and Mei Yan. I sometimes dappled in Pony (a k-pop makeup artist celebrity) and other styles of makeup. For me, it was the first time I had to seriously acknowledge that I was different from my mom.

I know I know, even biological kids may not match their parents' appearances, in skin tone, undertone, eye shape, whatever...but for me, it was the first time I was looking at other beautiful Asian women to know what colors would look best on me, or what eyeshadow shape would go well on my eye, because guess what, I don't have hooded eyelids, I have a double-eyelid with no hood.

Yes, I know Michelle Phan was popular across all racial boundaries and you don't need to look like the beauty guru you learn from, but starting out as a complete novice, I was watching tutorials to learn about my own face which I had honestly never stared at so closely before. It didn't really hit me at first, but I started realizing that all of my beauty YouTubers were Asian and that really struck me, because I didn't look like my mom. I didn't have curly hair or hazel eyes. It wasn't anything to cry over, but it's just something weird.

Even now, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I forget that the world sees me as an Asian woman and not just as an individual, me. This is me, how I look...but I can see how someone can take one look at me and have their entire mind flooded with stereotypes. I forget how I look sometimes.

From being on YouTube, I've learned about beauty trends and techniques in Korea, China, and Japan, and while these are myopic snapshots and an over-generalization of major trends and may not be an accurate reflection of everyday life, I do find it interesting how beauty standards change. It is no wonder adoptees sometimes adopt these trends to be more Asian, even when literally no actual Asian person is doing them in the area...

Another thing I've noticed from being on Instagram is the sheer number of Influencers of all races. People love to talk about race and the lack of representation all the time. People complain about not enough black people in commercials, but honestly, I see way more black and white people than any Asian people in commercials. When was the last time I saw a beautiful Asian woman or man on a makeup or hair commercial? Or even Swifter or Downy? But welcome to Instagram, my friend, where A-list millionaire Asian American, Asian Canadian, Asian Australian, and Asian Asian Influencers abound. With paid-partnerships with Dove, Chanel, Givenchy, Dior, etc. They are beautiful and numerous. They don't just have one Asian on the payroll, but hundreds, it seems! I find it strange to be inundated with Asian influencers dripping in Louis and Gucci and diamonds in a Parisian hotel with flowers sent to them by Chanel when online, and then seeing the same everyday white and black celebrities and actors on the television. I'm sure if I went to Asia, I'd see more Asian people on television, but in America, I don't really understand why there's such a large difference. It's not like these Asian people aren't rich, living in LA in giant mansions. It's just that their platform is online. For me, it does make me feel better to see Asians wearing makeup who don't follow the ghost-white trend portrayal of Asians on YouTube. I see what clothes they wear, what color combinations, what lipstick, what things are happening in the world. Sure, you can say this is shallow of me, appearances and all that, but belonging in the mosaic of the American racial community, I do appreciate seeing a reflection of myself from time to time.

The last thing I have seen relating to "Race and Belonging" is when adoptees hijack other races or want to be white, whatever that means. Yes, it's not just an adoptee thing, my Indian friend has told me point blank that she wants to "be a white girl," and I know tons of black and white people who like to think of themselves as Japanese or Korean (*cringe*), but for adoptees, I think there's a deeper meaning in all of this hot-potato racial game.

Some people grew up with adoptive parents of this other race or in a community with many people of this other race, and this is how they identify. Some Chinese adoptees say they've grown up in a black neighborhood or Latino neighborhood and so, it just makes sense for them to feel this way. Other people I know just got really into anime or K-pop and would much rather exemplify a cherry-picked portrayal of those cultures. Hang-over makeup and gradient lips, anyone? At other times, people want to go gung-ho white, only having white friends as a conscious decision and joining all-white sororities. Look, I'm not trying to shame or condemn anyone for racial hopping, even if it is highly looked down upon in this age where everything is cultural appropriation or assimilation or whatever. I just think it's something that transracial adoptees have, this grappling of identity and whether it's nature vs. nurture, or the question of whether you get a choice or say in what race you want to be. (LOL Elizabeth Warren)

All I can say it that race is complicated. This is just a little post about some observations of mine, but this isn't the whole story, and I'm sure many people will disagree with me, and that's okay. But it needs to be gathered and said in one place, somewhere, from time to time. This is my attempt to do so.