Collectivism in (Asian) Adoptee Culture

"You're either in, or you're out!" The iconic words of Heidi Klum hold the doctrine of the collective. Groups are defined not only by who is in, but who is purposefully or subconsciously excluded. Many groups do not have written laws, while some groups do. However, when these underlying laws or assumptions are followed unconsciously and left unexamined, we become helpless sheep, at the mercy of some undefinable power. When patterns are explored, we can uncover their roots and discuss the validity of such views as rational people.

There is not one single adoptee culture. Not at all. We have something in common and many things which are not in common. Yet, as adoptees come of age, the narratives dominated so far by adoptive parents are being reclaimed by adoptees. The only thing is, these stories are varied and the same all at once, myriad echo chambers, and are becoming incorporated into a sometimes militant law of who "counts" as a "true adoptee."

As adoptees try to reconcile their identity to external measures (i.e. What does it mean to be Chinese? Or Asian? Or whatever?), there is a growing movement of trying to define what "adoptee" means. This definition and group identity is helped along by actual publications and productions: NPR, TIMES, The New Yorker, etc. and by social media such as in adoptee Facebook groups.

This article is not exactly a critique of popularly held views. This article is, however, an opportunity to pause for those of us who have felt the pressure to hold these same views and conform, least being ousted from or attacked by this community.

I will state the top "narratives" as I have observed them to be in adoptee-produced media, including blogs, videos, images, artwork, and chats, and within physical adoptee meet-ups, camps (Holt, FCC, CCI), and workshops. They do not encompass "all" that adoptees believe (clearly...that is kind of the point of this post), but they are undeniably threads or drafts of pillars that will uphold the future of the adoptee community as it continues to grow and mature. As I am a Chinese adoptee and twenty-something, I am only describing my experiences, though I am aware other adoptee communities may not experience what I have experienced.

Okay, let's begin...

THE OLD PREVAILING VIEWS OF ADOPTIVE PARENTS
These are the views that are primarily showcased in children's books intended for adoptees, in news articles written by and often for adoptive parents, and often heard in the context of God/Christianity/Religion.

1. God has a plan and God has chosen me to save these poor, orphan babies. God has intended this baby for me. (God did not intend for the birthmommy to keep the baby because the baby is for me!)
2. People ask me all the time why I have chosen to adopt this bundle of joy and not have a biological child of my own. I can tell you with a full heart that I see no difference between this child and me and I know for sure that my child feels the exact same way.
3. I don't understand why some countries throw out perfectly good babies! Why, I know six gals in London who would love to pick up one of these cuties!
4. Wow, what a lucky, lucky, lucky little baby I have.
5. Love can overcome anything! If you think transracial adoption involves any emotional distress, you must be a racist! I know for sure that my love will cure everything and there's no possible way my child will ever feel sad about this!
6. I don't think of myself as a savior, not at all. But allow me to write a blog/vlog/book/podcast detailing my adoption journey and the struggles I have raising a kid who isn't my own. You know, because I'm the star of this show.

VIEWS OF ADOPTEES
As seen and heard in online forums, in-person meet ups, adoptee camps, and adoptee interviews.

1. If you want to be a "good" adoptee, here is what you need to say and think: "I'm just so happy, grateful, and thankful for my loving real family! Without my parents choosing me, I wouldn't have all of these wonderful opportunities in life! God is good and great! How lucky am I?" You may recognize this view as the winning view that makes all the adults swoon--and, what a coincidence, is shared by the leading adoptee blogs.
2. If you want to be a "good" adoptee, but still want to say something thoughtful and genuine, here is what you need to say: "I'm thankful to be adopted, but...sometimes...very seldom...I might possibly be...a teensy tiny bit sad. But I know God has intended a path for me!"
3. Adoptees hate their birthmom and/or adoptive mom.
4. Adoptees are urging adoptive parents to please stop saying cringey and disrespectful things that objectify them such as: Lucky, "Hunan Princess" or "Yunnan Girl" or "Guangdong Dumpling," China Doll
5. Adoption is only about sadness.
6. Adoption is only about anger.
7. Adoption is only about happiness.
8. Adoptive parents never, ever, ever listen to adoptees and only ever stifle their voices.
9. All adoptive parents are the same.
10. No adoptees are close with their adoptive parents.
11. Adoptees and adoptive parents are best friends.
12. Adoptive parents are abusive and often narcissistic.
13. Adoptees all hate "Gotcha Day" because it is the day of great loss for the adoptee, but only joy for the adoptive parents.
14. Adoptees should all love "Gtocha Day" because they are thankful for being adopted.
15. Adoptees have all experienced extreme cases of racism. 
16. No adoptees have grown up around other adoptees or other Asian people.
17. Adoptees hate Adoptive Parent blogs/vlogs/books about adoption.

VICTIMHOOD CULTURE AND OTHER "WOKE" VIEWS OF ADOPTEES

1. Adoptive parents are evil because they are white. And as we all know, white people should not be allowed to raise non-white children (biracial and multiracial child be damned! And we'll just ignore the fact that non-white parents also adopt)
2. Adoptive parents are evil because they are "white saviors"
3. Adoptive Parents don't do enough to expose their adoptees to their heritage and culture because they are racist.
4. Adoption is equal to cultural genocide
5. Adoption is the same as kidnapping/human trafficking/slavery/abduction
6. Adoptive parents only wanted to adopt internationally because they do not support the adoptee trying to find their birth families.
7. Adoptive parents have nefarious and dubious motives for adopting the child that do not ever include love, but a selfish form of God's fulfillment/Christian savior syndrome.
8. Adoptive Parents don't do enough to expose their adoptees to their heritage and culture. Adoptive parents should be forced to attend race sensitivity classes. This will avert all problems.

These are not accurate reflections of adoptees as a whole, and yet, enter any adoptee-dominated space and I guarantee that you will hear at least one if not more of any of these points.

The purpose of my listing these things is that I see the same pattern over and over and over. Because I do not share some of these views, I am often silenced or attacked for having a "wrong" opinion. Go on the internet right now and search for adoption blogs written by adoptive parents. Then go search for adoption blogs written by adoptees. You might begin to notice some patterns.

Acknowledging, as I do, that adoptees are individuals and are not the same or should be expected to be the same, I am still pressured to conform and say "Me too! I have experienced that too!" when someone stands up to speak. I am expected to like blog posts about how white parents abducted legions of children. I am expected to hate my parents and at the same time say "I'm thankful but..." as if the state of the adoptee rests upon their ability to cough up gratitude till they die. I find most adoption parent blogs to be obnoxious or tone-deaf, and the "woke" adoption parent blogs to be pandering and still tone-deaf.

Conclusion
I want to belong to the community we call the "adoptee community" whatever that even means, if it has the same meaning years from now, if it includes or excludes other adoptees of other cultures...I want a sense of belonging. But I cannot bring myself to swallow the repetitive views I see everyday, bleeding of sadness and rage.

As we swim through the soup of the internet, we cannot see or meet each other. We can only read words, static, stuck in time, written by someone for some reason or another. Collectivism, as it pertains to adoptee culture, is nothing new and nothing particularly special as compared to other cultures or movements. It is a mistake, however, to take your personal pain and rage, and sacrifice it to a direction the majority has told you to direct it in. If you're hurting because of abandonment, but have a relatively okay relationship with your parents, don't obediently follow a meme online that tells you that the best way to direct your rage is to call your parents "racist." We can run around in circles all day, bleeding and cutting each other up, telling other adoptees that they are being hateful or insensitive if they don't uphold the collective view, but in the end, if we never address the real issues at the heart of each individual, we will still lie in bed at night and continue to hurt.